All it takes is a simple Hello

I have this habit of dropping hellos to my Facebook friends. It could be very random and of course, irregularly. If there is one gift I think I have, it's the gift of connecting. Funny how I dread making small talks years ago, especially if the other party is senior, more experienced, or intimidating. Having been exposed I guess to the Couples for Christ community, I learned the value of not just talking, but more so, listening, and making genuine connections. We are after all, brothers and sisters in Christ. Again, easier said than done, and it took me years to overcome my shyness.

So earlier this evening, I said hello to a sister. Randomly again. Little did I know, the sister was down since yesterday, and she was asking for God for ways to lift her spirit up. And she goes, "Mukhang tinouch ka ni God ha, kaki kahapon pa ko umiiyak, I was asking God for a sign or for Him to use someone to help me and give me a little hope." 

Woah. Amazing God. It's an honor to be used to lift someone's spirit. I didn't know what prompted me to message her, all I know was that at that time, she popped into my head and FB messenger was next. Simple, fast, connected. And what's greater was that, my spirit was also lifted.

In these days of fake news, pretend profiles, meaningless posts, and viral contents, there is still good in social networks. It can still be used to build relationships, duh, that was it's FIRST purpose to begin with, hence the word SOCIAL. How lucky are OFW children and spouses these days to have a communication line at the tip of their fingers. Back in the 80's and 90's, I would wait months for a tape recorded voice of my father and a letter to express feelings, to fill the gap, to be connected. Use Facebook to make real connections, uplift a spirit, put a smile on someone's. You'll never know who will need one.

And while were at it, say hello to me. I'd love to connect.

P.S.

Can you take up the challenge and leave one FB friend a sincere hello today? It'll make a difference on someone's day.

Oh and yes, let's transcend the connection eventually to real face to face interactions. I am a Communications graduate and in theory and practice, nothing beats person to person communication.

May we all be blessed.

On Miscarrying

I remembered exactly how we announced to friends and family that we were expecting baby no. 2. – on the day of our 2^nd anniversary, no less. I knew it weeks before that. Must be because I know my body too well. More than excitement, there was fear. Pol was more dumbfounded than I was. We just knew that baby no. 2 didn’t really come in the best of timing, with the 1^st baby born prematurely, my CS delivery and yes, the most concern coming from my health issues being diabetic and hypertensive.

We prepared ourselves from not just how our parents would react but more so, how our doctors would. It was strictly advised not to conceive yet in the next 5 years or at least until I completely manage my BP and sugar.

Anyway, as any expecting parents would, we embraced the blessing with all our heart. When the ultrasound confirmed our pregnancy, we were yet again happy, like it’s the first time. However, something about the ultrasound was daunting. The baby’s heartbeat was slow.

To cut the story short, I came back for another ultrasound two weeks after, and heard the words: THERE IS NO HEARTBEAT. My world stopped. Right in the doctor’s office, I tried to put up a face and held back the tears. I didn’t even know how to tell the news to my mother who was waiting excitedly outside the ultrasound room.

The grief of losing a baby—of all the possibilities -- is incomparable. Three days and one medical procedure after, I am not sure if I am emotionally stable.

I went straight to the church after finding out. On the way, I sent an SMS to my husband and best friend – we lost the baby, there is no heartbeat whilst trying not to break down inside the jeepney. I cried my heart out inside the church. I didn’t asked God why. I just cried. Deep in my gut, I blamed myself—for not being healthy enough, not being strong enough for my baby whom we called different names-- MC, JP3, Clarito…

A cousin messaged, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes.” How apt. I am thankful and humbled to be in a spiritual place where I’ve learned that everything happens according to His will. I know that the joy that He gave to our growing family may be short-lived but will never be forgotten. I know that another angel has been added to look over me. Knowing all those things though, wouldn’t stop me from feeling and longing—for the could have been and the might have been.

If for anything and despite the physical, emotional, and financial trauma this experience brought us – this has brought my family closer. It reminded me to treasure life, as it is fleeting. And so I need to be healthy for my first born Johanne. The world may have ended for baby MC, but it is just beginning for my eldest. We have witnessed a miracle in her birth story and she will turn a year in just 2 months. There is more reason to celebrate than mourn. And while a piece of me is gone with baby MC, God’s grace is new every morning.

For now, I take time to pray for myself and for those in the same shoes as I am – those who have lost a loved one, for fellow mothers who have miscarried, for mothers who gave birth to premature babies, or babies who are unwell. Even to those who wants to become parents but biologically unable. God is a God of miracle, the healer of our soul, and the ultimate comforter. Let us cast our fears, pains, and worries on Him who can do all things.

And yes, I will continue to grieve with the Lord, until He takes the sorrow away.

To friends and family who has celebrated with our joy in announcing the great news of baby no. 2 – please include a prayer for baby MC tonight. Heaven has earned another angel. And may God bless all of you a thousand folds.

Unfailing Love

Tonight's blog is from a friend whom we shall call MIMI. Since I was down with a bug for the last few days, I wasn't able to write anything, but I'm grateful for friends who are always to my rescue. Mimi's story is something Filipinos can relate to -- love for family and the desire to return all the love back while we can. But things doesn't always go as planned and there's always a reason behind it.

Happy Reading!

I grew up in a family where my father is very strict and my mother is vulnerable, but both of them are softhearted and strong person inside. Early in my age, life showed me how my parents struggled a lot to raise me and my three siblings to be responsible, better person, to have a simple and meaningful life which we treasure today.

When I graduated from college, finally my dreams for my family, especially for my parents started to materialize. I was excited to get my first job so that I can give them the life they deserve and to pay off the hard work they did for us in providing our needs. It’s easy to say 'to have a job', but it's hard to find one that is worth working for and will sustain your needs.

As I gradually reach my dreams, a sad moment pulled us down. My father was hospitalized due to his illness and did not manage to survive. What happened to him broke my heart into pieces. I remembered when I had my first period (menstruation), he was so excited to tell everyone that I am already a lady (blushing).

Despite losing and grieving of papa's death, we are happy for him because we know he will not suffer anymore and he's in God's loving arms already.

Through all these trials, we’ve proven that God is really great! He sent us people to reassure that He loves us and will not leave us. God provided us the money to pay all the expenses of my father's death. Thanks to the company where I was working at that time and the people who helped us. Praised God! 

At this very moment I feel we are so blessed, despite losing a very special person to us a few years ago. God has so many  ways and plans that I can never tell. Challenges and trials in life come and go, and we all know it will not end. But the faith we have in God and the assurance that He will never fail us and will continue to amaze us with His love, remain forever.

Want to contribute? Send me your article at mcscbermudez@gmail.com.

Happy weekend!

Escalator etiquette

Yes, there is such thing.

Encountered this first in Singapore (although you stand left and walk right there) and it's really not difficult to understand the discipline behind this. Putting order in things is always a great idea.

I had the chance to roam around Ayala again yesterday, after a long time. I enjoyed riding the MRT from GMA-Kamuning to Ayala at 4:30pm and although I thought it's gonna be rush hour, the ride was smooth. Unfortunately, there are no photos of this trip as I am not brave enough to do a selfie or capture a photo in public transportation. And so I took the escalator going up to the exit of Ayala terminal, and before riding it, a clear instruction says WALK on your left and STAND on your right.
Amazing how people disregard this as everyone is occupying the entire escalator in their own mini space.

DISCIPLINE.  It is the lack of it that hinders a person's growth, and in our case, the nation's. I guess it's not a voluntary defiance but the lack of respect to rules, regulations, laws and the like. Why do we feel so entitled to disregard the rules and get away with it? And yes, we only do it in the Philippines because I've been to a few countries with strict standards and Filipinos following it to the heart. Bakit pwede at kayang sumunod sa ibang bansa? Colonial mentality teh? Di ba dapat mas ginagawa natin ang nakakabuti para sa ating bansa?

The issue is beyond the escalator etiquette. Baka isipin niyo naman na OA ako.  If we cannot follow a simple rule to keep things in order, then how can we expect a bigger change in our society? Take a step to change one's self first and see where the escalator of progress will take you.

Kudos by the way for SM for coming up with this witty video:

Let's educate ourselves people, start small, achieve big results.

Psalm 32:8

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Of Mondays

Need I expound the pic more?

I guess at some point in our lives, Mondays will become our least favorite day.  Yes, even for me who works from home.

I went back  to the time after graduation that I will be reporting for my first corporate job. It was a Monday of course (in 2006), and I was so excited I can’t sleep the night before. Still, I woke up early, dressed my best, and reported for work with a grateful heart and I will conquer the world attitude.

This should be an every Monday thought. Because after all, not everybody is blessed to have a job that pays the bills, takes care of our food, and even allows us to enjoy our lives occasionally.

So instead of tackling this day with a heavy heart, why not embrace the challenge that Mondays bring and face it head on. 

Go ahead and sparkle not only on Mondays, but every day. 

Be better at this

So this blog I'm following by Ruth Soukop challenged me to overcome that one thing that's holding me back from pursuing the things I want. Well, I guess there's just too many of it? 

I'll zero in on writing/blogging for now, considering that I was really inspired by the feedback from my last guest post  on a friend's blog. 

I want to get better at writing. Back in college, I remembered one composition with all the red marks from the professor. He said all my ideas were great but the structure needs to be reviewed. And what's the best way to improve style and structure? Yes, practice. 

I'd be posting a short blog everyday (for 7 days) starting tomorrow. The goal is to get into the habit or writing, improve my writing style and yes, inspire in my own way (as if! :D) And if you are one of my friends who wants to start writing as well, I'd be more than happy to support. Be my guest blogger and let's grow together.

A whole new world

The last time I wrote here was about my desperate desire to go home. And I did, last March. My goals were clear -- rest and recover. I did have that well planned out. Pol and I enjoyed our mini honeymoon in Singapore and Kuala Lumpur in the first week of March. Me finding work is pushed to after three months.

But then April came in with a big news. We were actually pregnant.

Come again? Pregnant.

You gotta hear how we found out. On 1 April 2016, I was cleaning the house and saw the pregnancy kit given to me as a gift for my bridal shower. I didn't want to pull an April's fool joke on Papol of course (as that would be really cruel), but I guess the joke was on me. There were two lines (despite the second one being really faint). I informed my sister and she told me to wait it out. I informed my bestfriends, and they too were not so sure but were excited as well. I was after all, only expecting my period that same day. And so everyday, for 4 days, I tested. Oh, and it got clearer and clearer by the day. A visit to the OB confirmed everything. We were 5 weeks pregnant.

We told only a few people, mostly those whom would become our prayer warriors. With my diabetes and hypertension, getting pregnant is not to be taken lightly. My endocrinologist even discouraged me from getting pregnant this early. But who are we to say no to this beautiful gift? A sweet surprise indeed, and we will be forever grateful.

Except from house arrest, as diabetics are prone to miscarriage in the first trimester, my pregnancy journey is quite easy. No morning sickness, no headaches, not even cravings. Although I tend to be more "antukin."

My husband and I were amazed by how things were unfolding in front of us, at a fast pace too. The change was huge. We instantly became a single earning household (thank God my husband is a good provider), I became in charge of the house, and we had to make ends meet given this adjustment. I have to give credit to the husband who works two jobs to consistently provide for our day to day needs.  We were married for only 8 months and actually together as husband and wife for less than a month, and yes, this is quite overwhelming. We were standing up to our new found roles. From my end however, I went through a depression mode, even to the point of applying for jobs during my first trimester, only to be declined because I am pregnant. I still struggle from time to time. Having worked endlessly even before graduating from College, this is new to me. But my ever faithful husband never failed to remind me that our baby is our priority now and everything will be okay. Along with that, we also finished the Christian Life Program and became officially Couples for Christ.

Baby JP at 7 weeks

Baby bump at 12 weeks

Ultrasound at 18 weeks, baby is a-ok!

Me at 19 weeks

It is a lot to take really. A whole new world. On most days that I am alone, I try to think about God's purpose and as always, "His ways are not my ways" (Is. 55:8). It's humbling too, knowing that everything that is happening now is out of my hands. And once again, I am forced to just be still, take it all in, and wait for God's plan.

Please join me in praying for (still) a safe pregnancy until delivery. I guess my blog will now turn a new leaf as I write about my new journey. Keep you all posted.

God bless us all. 

Life won't wait.

At past 3am I have finished two romantic movies. Both on love and life.

I spend twelve hours at work, come home, spend some more hours working mails in between, and then watch a movie. Life,that is mine.

"Sometimes, life doesn't turn out the way you plan it," said Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping. For someone who just got married and now living away from the hubby to work abroad, life isn't near as the newlywed planned it.

And so in the middle of the report I was doing for my meeting later this morning, I re-think about life again. Most people would just say you can't have everything you want. I have come to realize though that I can't have all that I want, but I can choose the things that matter.

I kill my precious time worrying about the insignificant. The death of my dad has thought me that everything can change at a snap of a finger. It's terrible that I seem to have forgotten about it.  I go around like a headless chicken, not knowing where to go. Like a robot who does things -- the trivial kind.

In the middle of this desert I am reminded of the uncertainties, of life's impermanence.

Life won't wait for me. Time goes on. I must get my life back.

Secretly I pray for life to wait for me, even just for a little. February, wait for me. 

Burnout

WARNING:

This will be full of rants so if you don't need any negativity, stay away. And I wont even say please.

Today was exhausting. And I would normally avoid using the word "literally" due to its redundancy, but what the heck, it is fitting.

My body has not yet fully recovered and it's as if the world has forgotten that I have made my plea to be excused from this -- the earliest possible time. Isn't health a valid reason to go? Try drinking four medicines per day and tell me how that feels?

I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted this world to stop. I want to be alone. I want an escape. I want my body to cooperate. I want it to be okay.

So dear Universe, please cooperate. Because a few more months, and I will burst. For real.

What dreams are made of?

Someone asked me to take a piece of paper and write down my dreams and goals. He said I couldn't decide so hastily now, my future is at stake.

And so I did.

I was surprised at how easily I wrote the following without hesitations:

1. Become a good wife
2. Become a mother
3. Become a business woman/start freelancing, using the talents God gave me
4. Build a house for my family
5. To serve God as husband and wife

And I stopped there. Here I am, miles away from my husband, at the peak of my career, writing about things which cannot be done in Qatar.

Years ago, I told Mama that I'm not gonna get married. I'm just gonna bear a child (say wut?) and be a career woman. I thought then that success = office career and money. But ask me again today, and hear a different answer. Amazing how experience, age and wisdom changed me. Praise God.

The above are goals that challenges myself -- dreams that are beyond my comfort zone. But they bring a smile to my heart now...

To bond with my husband and not just to clients.
To be called a mother and not just a manager.
To have a place called my home, and not an accommodation.
To really call the shots -- to successes and failures of my business
To have a balance of both family and work.
And most importantly, to serve God with my brother-husband

I am scared to the core. I have always been so sure about myself, until the last few weeks. My life has changed since the day I said I do, and okay, the health scare. I am no longer the star of my show. I'm learning to be selfless. I fear the uncertainties, of the future that I am trading in place of what I have now. Of course I worry about money, career, the opportunities. But this is what love did to me. It allowed me to take risks, to trust, and to believe the many things the Lord has in stored for me, my husband, and soon our family. For the nth time, I shall be threading an unknown path, but like the previous experiences, I was never alone. Because God has my back, plus factor pa that I have the best Pakner.

Dreams are made of simple things that glorifies God. Here's to praying mine makes Him smile again.

Musing of a Hypertensive Diabetic 30 years old

"What could be a more serious disease? It could be cancer. But even that can be cured nowadays," said someone.

How dare you. How dare you think my hypertension and diabetes as petty. How dare you tell me that it's only about will power. How dare you tell me not to tell my mom or my husband about my condition, because prayer won't help. How dare you.

Angry, I was more than angry.

Few weeks ago, less than a month of being married, I found out I have Hypertension II and Diabetes II. On top of that my cholesterol and triglyceride are also very high. And I found out about it when I arrived back in Doha early this month.

When you are 30 and recently married, alone in a foreign country, surprised with that news, the world becomes a little bit smaller. Well at least thats what I felt. I was angry, depressed and desperate. Could be in denial too.

Memories of Papa came rushing in...and I was scared. Happy snapshots of my wedding day, and the anticipation of possibly conceiving this month came to mind, only to be replaced by the question 'what happens next?'

What happens next? What to do? I do not have an answer yet. I do not even have the energy for anything now. And prayer, is something that I have to go back to. I'm sorry Papa God. Please give me time.

For now, take away my anger please.

Ps. I know really the answer to 'what's next?' I am jusy quite slow to getting back on track. Bear with me.

Looking through my Papa's eyes

Last 16 April, my family commemorated my father's two years death anniversary. As a busy OFW, I planned to go to church and failed. My mom and sister visited him at the cemetery, while I ended up lighting a candle for him at the back of my house.

As I await for the candles to burn out, I traveled to my last memories of Papa. You see, I will not be in Qatar if not for him. While he was not so keen about me going abroad since what I have in the Philippines is really not bad, he supported my impulsive job hunt by giving me leads. And when finally I had an offer with the company I now work for, he was the one who read the contract and reviewed my offer. He said ok, and I was ok. Three days before he died, I told him that I will not work abroad anymore. I was just waiting for my work visa then. Lying in the ICU bed, he opposed the plan and promised to wait for the day that I return after my two years contract. He promised that we will still tour the Philippines and eventually abroad together. It was the first broken promise of him that I can remember, and I will be forever brokenhearted.

But now he is gone. And I am, like how we was before he retired, an OFW. Suddenly, everything made more sense now. What he sacrificed to make me, Mama and my sister's life comfortable is more real. It is shameful that while I appreciated everything then, it is only now that I completely understood what his sacrifice meant--his whole life.

I am single, and this past two years is the only time I felt that I really worked so hard. I was never into expensive things or gadgets, nor bags and clothes. But I would admit that to a certain extent I still feel that what I have is never enough. And so I thought of Papa. He used to go home yearly to us with big balikbayan boxes. We always had the latest toys and gadgets, the latest appliance, which my mom never uses. I struggle completing two balikbayan boxes! How did he do that? I can only imagine.

Sometimes, at the verge of despair, I wanted to just pack my bags and go. The stress can be so much. And when I do that, I confidently say that I have nothing to lose. I can just go, pay for my bond, and go back to the Philippines. I think of the times that maybe my Papa felt the same. But unlike me, he can never just go back home, as he has bigger responsibilities -- house mortgage, school, food etc etc... I go back to the time when I was big enough to understand that he was having a hard time with his boss, I listened to his whines, but witnessed how he sustained, and painstakingly finished the contract. He did it, for us.

I remembered that day I had to bring myself to the hospital here in Doha. Alone. I told myself to be brave because I had no one to look after me. I wondered how many times Papa fell sick and we were not there to take care of him. I bite into my chocolate everyday thinking that this was how Papa got his diabetes, and then stopped my sweet cravings just for a day of two. I think of the time Papa calls us once a week and writes to us consistently while I send a message to Mama once a week as well despite Viber. Shameful.

I am writing this blog at my favorite coffee place. Today is Papa's birthday and I decided to celebrate it. Here in this corner nook I fight the tears as everything seemed to be still unreal. Papa has taught me lessons and it is more meaningful today. He was my example of strength, faith, and of selfless love. I am proud to have gotten from him my simple ways of living, and I hope to be generous like him too.

Papa, while I know that things will never be the same again, I will continue seeing the world through your eyes, ensuring to live the life that you have always wanted me to have. I will go to the places we plan to go together, and the person you have raised me to be. Mama, Candy and I will always bring honor to your name. And while I will change my last name soon to the man I believe is so much like you, I will always be a Camingawan and my kids will be raised like one.

The barista in this coffee shop sings a song which coincidentally captures this moment. Happy birthday Papa. I love you with all my heart.

"Sa bawat pag-ikot ng ating buhay
May oras kailangan na maghiwalay
Puso'y lumaban man walang magagawa
Saan ka, kailan ka, muling mahahagkan
Magkulang man sa atin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may umaga pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin..."

Dear Kuya Barista, please stop singing the song na. Iiyak na ko ng bongga. Bow.

And it all came back to me.

It's amazing how songs can bring back memories and emotions. Today at work, I (almost) watched a student sing "I don't want to miss a thing" by Aerosmith. Upon finding about her song choice I worried that I might lose it.

And I did.

Blame it to that movie Armageddon. That tear jerker flick never fails to make me cry 'til now. That same song, is the song my sister and I sang for my Papa's eulogy. At that time, we felt the lyrics were made for us and captured our feelings for our dad. Today, I relived the pain, the love and the journey. It felt so real and fresh as if it just happened yesterday.

And so the loser that I am now, ran away from the music and found myself writing my gut out.

In a few months time I will become a wife. Since my fiance is a musician, I requested my bridal walk to be the same song. It is my way to honor my dad, who will never see me wear that off white dress. I will never hear him complain about how long it takes for women to dress up. I will never hear him bully my mom about her make up. Or go to me and say that I'm like a "bella" with my red lipstick. I will never get a chance to see his nod of approval or his shy smile that always says, "I'm proud of you Ate." I will never get a chance to have my Papa walk me down the aisle.

Yes, he may be watching over me and smiling that day. But it is never the same. Never the same.

On the day of the wedding, I pray for the strength to hold it together.Ironic how my big day can be the happiest and well, 2nd to saddest, day of my life.

I pray for the day when the tears will stop flowing when I hear that song. For now, let me just take my time to mourn.

Join me shall you?

Because it's All Soul's Day

I have a fear on death. One of my own (apparently called Tanathophobia). I dreamt about my death a lot of times. In my dreams I was being buried and I could even feel myself rotting. Horrible. And then I fear losing people through death as well. When my father died last year, the concept of death became more real. People know for sure that there is no way to escape death, but few people really have a clear grasp of it. Today's celebration of All Soul's Day is fitting. I have reasons to be sentimental.

"Death is the only destination we all share." - Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs once said, "Death is the only destination we all share." How true. And unless one has a close encounter with death, one can never really relate to how it really is. No words can comfort a broken heart. No flowers can replace the empty void left by that person. And even if they say time heals all wounds, it does not (at least for me). It could be that I am just impatient, as always.

When I think about it, there is more to death that I fear. It is a web of my insecurities, my vulnerabilities: the fear of being left behind, fear of being lost somewhere, fear of uncertainty, fear of being forgotten.

I can go on about my premature questions on heaven, hell and the in betweens, or even my thoughts on where our ultimate destination would be after this short stint on earth. But since I developed a relationship with Christ, I felt somehow that all of these are philosophical let alone insignificant. All I know now is that, since I accepted Christ in my life and has convicted myself to be with Him, I have never felt alone. When I lost Papa, it was Him who sustained me and my family. And even though I still fear dying, I strive to live a life that is pleasing to Him, so that I can join Him in the after life. Strive is the operative word. Pakahirap naman talaga kasing panindigan ang desisyong mabuhay para kay Kristo. Tall order. Extra challenge.

To talk about life as we commemorate the dead might be ironic. But it is in death that I have felt the urge to live my life fully according to how He wills it to be. By being reminded that my stay here is timed, (no matter how scary it is) I am challenged to seize every moment righteously. And in times that I fail to do so, I pray that I get to wake up another day to make amends.

Life and death offers so much of lessons despite the dichotomies. In the end, I hope to still have the best both worlds can offer.

Allow me to share this song from Jeremy Camp titled "There will be a day." May this inspire us to live life to fullest (despite of...) so we can look forward to the life that awaits after.

 

"There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always." - Jeremy Camp

 

PS. I hope we took the time today to say a short prayer for the souls of our deceased loved ones. :)

True to my core.

I am not myself lately.

As if moving to this side of the world has clipped my otherwise straightforward tongue, and cut my free spirited self.

Instead of expanding my territory, the world has become very small.

Fact remains. This is not my home. This is not the place where I belong.

Temporary. This is temporary. I will not succumb to death of the sprit. I will rise up and dare to remain true to my core.

#sohelpmegod

More than Forever

Allow me to recount my past love only this time. Not out of bitterness, but as a testimony of how God loved me.

I have been told six years ago, by the person whom I called my great love then that I am not worth a marriage. He didn't love me enough to make it to forever. My 21 year old self was shattered. Eventually, I found out that Forever, to that boy, is his ex-girlfriend. And he loved me less than forever.

Back then, I was still re-establishing my relationship with the Creator. I have been crying out loud to Him always of the pains and the injustice my love life has given me to the point of questioning Him of His plans for me. Despite my being stubborn,  He has never failed to sustain me. He made me whole again.

When I learned to surrender, I prayed for Him to give me a man after His heart in His perfect timing. I prayed for a guy to love me more than forever as I prayed to be the woman worth that love. I prayed for healing too and of course the grace to forgive myself and the boy who broke my heart.

Today, I am God's testimony of His faithfulness. In a year's time, I will marry the man He has prepared for me. Amazing. I am overwhelmed with the mixed of emotions I am feeling all at the same time. One year to go and I will be a Mrs. The wait may seem long, but I am taking the remaining days of being single, to preparing myself for the new role God has entrusted me. Thank You Lord for my more than Forever. You rock.

 

When Tets met Simplicity

One fine evening, I came across a sister's blog. It is about her journey to live simply. I felt right then and there that it was the answer to one of the many questions I have in mind. And so, like her, I decided to embrace the challenge. Not that I am even living a lavish lifestyle. Probably because there is too much that I wanted to do and wanted to become (all at the same time). I reckon that breaking down my desires into what truly matters will make the difference.

I am excited to learn again. Thanks Sis. Leslie for the resources. I know that I can always be better that what I am now. I know too that I am  not even close to knowing the full concept of this new journey. And so the studying begins.

Let me share though my first guidelines (source: Ruth Soukop and her Project Simplify). You think it's easy? Think again. I don't even make my bed daily! Yeah, shamefully.

Here's to becoming simple and better! To a new Me.

So help me God.
 

Crossroads

Time flew so fast and I have already spent a year in Qatar. Thank You Lord for Your faithfulness. Hindi biro ang maging isang OFW. All the while, I thought I would never be homesick, but I was wrong. There even came a point that I just wanted to leave everything and go back to my home, my family, my life.

But then, I read Papol's letter, the one he gave me when he put a ring on . And it reminded me of how I prayed for this so badly. Si God talaga, sobra maglambing. And so last 28 June 2013, because I prayed for Him to expand my territory, I arrived in Qatar, and I am never the same. Sabi nga, be careful what you wish for.

 

 

Doha is such a blessing and this page will not be enough to recount all them. But the most important of them is learning to be financially responsible. Mahirap pala talaga kumita ng pera at lalong mas mahirap kung malayo ka sa mahal mo sa buhay.

 

And then this.

 

However comfortable life seemed to be since I chose to move here comes the trade offs. Nothing comes for free.  And the list for this will go on.

 

So here I am, engaged, 30 years old, on top of my career, making something of myself-yet missing the old self, vaguely knowing what's next for me.

 

Which path to take? Follow the heart or let the mind rule? Now what Tets? :(

 

 

 



Because today is P's birthday.

09.07.08 First time to celebrate Papol's birthday as a couple.

Celebrating birthdays across the miles--one of the many firsts that Pol and I will be doing since I decided to work here in the Middle East.  Long distance relationship is sweet and difficult at the same time.

I remember Pol telling me weeks before my departure, "Pag andun ka na ha, wag mo ko masyado aawayin, kasi hindi kita mapupuntahan." Haha! Ok, fine. When Pol and I argue then, mostly because my topak ako, Pol though most of the times apprehensive, will show up (either alone or may back up na kaibigan), and I knew right then just by seeing him that things are okay. Kahit kunwari galit pa rin ako.

If you have been to my father's Eulogy last April, I mentioned that growing up despite of being surrounded by LDRs (Papa is an OFW and my sister has an ongoing long distance relationship for 11 years now), I was firm in believing that LDRs don't work.

But I was converted.

It's true what they say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Being away from the boyfriend is like growing up again. I have to unlearn so many things, mostly those I love doing with Pol -- eating, coffee, tambay and of course serving together in Singles for Christ. Also, it gave me so much wider perspective on why I am so blessed to have him in my life.

We're not really showy, and we try to be not so mushy. We call each other Pakners even, na parang tropa lang.  But to us it's deeper than the casual tone to it. We are truly partners in many ways, because no matter how we deny it, we do things best together.

At dahil birthday nya, ilalabas ko na ang video scandal ko... Bwaahaha.. Kakuntsaba ang SFC-SCOM, at mga colleagues ko sa IAID Qatar (our vocal/keyboards Instructor Ms. Hazel, and our Events Officer, Ms. Shiela)...Salamat po sa mga accomplices.

Eto talaga yung pinlay sa The Voice SFC Laguna audition last 1st September. Video sya, hindi mp3... nagkamali lang daw yung nagpasimuno. :P

Happy birthday Polito!!!

Coz Pol you're amazing, just the way you are. Ang nagagawa nga naman ng pag-ibig. hahahaha.

The effort paid off seeing this video recording his reaction, :P

To POL: Seeing this video made me miss you so much. :) TNL na TNL sa pagpigil ng luha ha. (Tunay na lalaki). 7th September has always been a very special day for me spiritually since 2006. Pero hindi ko akalain na magiging mas special pa pala ito kasi ito rin pala ang araw na ipinanganak ang ultimate gift ni God sa kin. To my Pakner, my Sweetie, my 4G and now my fiance, have a blast today! I can't wait to be Mrs. Bermudez soon. God bless you more.

My family's CFC story

Yesterday is my 2nd month in Doha. While I feel so blessed and happy, I am homesick. To while my feelings away I browsed old pictures of friends and family on FB. And then I saw this picture of Papa.

 

Taken last 17 April 2013

Many people asked me that time why I chose that not so serious picture. I told them, that's Papa-- always finding reasons to smile, always giving people reasons to smile. I want to remember how he is even until his last days.

Today though I do not want to talk about his death. I want to talk about something related to the shirt he is wearing on that picture.

My parents are members of Couples for Christ Laguna.

Papa's contribution to my Catholic faith was strong. As an OFW, his overseas calls and letters were filled with lessons on praying always to Papa God and keeping our faith. Mama on the other hand was an active servant of our church and was responsible in making sure we attend a Catholic school, participate in church activities, and yes, join different Catholic organizations. In 1997, I was a member of Youth for Christ at an early age of 12.

Back then I did not appreciate it much. I felt obligated to do it. Things changed when I became a member of Singles for Christ. I started developing real and personal relationship with the Lord. I gained extended families through my sisters and brothers in SFC, as well as my Titos and Titas in the community. When I graduated from the Christian Life Program in December 2005, I resolved to bring my family in the community by God's grace. I was successful in forcing my sister to join SFC the next year, and she was grateful that I did. The two of us served with all that we can since then.

The community of Couples for Christ has been like a second family to me. Twing my gatherings, hindi ako magkandaugaga sa kamamano, kakakiss, kaka bati. Parang fiesta lagi. For me, there is so much love, joy and sincerity. I felt jealous of families coming together, all serving God through the community. Yung tipong pag CFC Laguna anniversary kumpleto sila kasi parents CFC, si ate SFC, tas yung sumunod YFC, and then si bunso KFC. Being part of the events group of the community, I saw everything behind the stage. One day, I told my sister, "balang araw, makakasama rin natin sila Mama at Papa dito."

Papa retired in 2008 and so finally we were together as a family. While he was not evidently prayerful and vocal about his faith, I knew that he is a man of faith. He came home several times from the Middle East with overused Bibles and crucifix. He would call our attention when we chat inside the church. And most importantly, he was a good husband and father to us. He was a good man.

He was also the type who can never say "No" to friends. And so in 2009, when I heard that a CLP in our subdivision was being opened, I knew my strategy. I approached  Tito Jun Domingo (then PFO of Golden City Chapter if I'm not mistaken) and told him, "Tito, come to the house now and look for Calvin, my dad, and invite him to join the CLP." True enough, Papa was shy to directly say no, and Mama got tired of us reminding them of the opening date.

Papa and Mama graduated from Couples for Christ that same year. I even watched them practice their dedication performance to the tune of Willie's "Ikaw Na Nga". By God's grace, I saw how Mama, but more so Papa transformed. He started leading us into prayers, attending households (even if he is alone), and big gatherings. And eventually, they became household heads. Our weekends were spent serving God through the community. My most memorable CFC family experience however is to be able to bring my entire family in one of my CLP talks, "The Christian Family" in 2010.

Parents, Candy and myself during my CLP Talk 7 (The Christian Family) last November 2010

I would have loved to see my parents become Team Leaders, and eventually be couple coordinators in any of the ministries. But God's plan is not my plan. I am just thankful enough to have my prayers answered.

As proof that CFC is not just an affiliation but really a family, my parents' household never left us alone in my Papa's hospital episodes. They visited  frequently to provide us prayers and moral support. Coincidentally, when Papa was declared dead in the morning of April 16, the first couple to aid us at that very traumatic moment, was also Tito Jun and his wife (the couple whom I approached to recruit my parents in CFC).

I maybe bad with names, as I won't remember all the names of the couples in my parent's household or from their chapter, but I will never forget the faces and the good heart of the CFCs who were there physically, emotionally and spiritually during the most difficult moments of our lives.

Once, a couple coordinator from SFC told us during a provincial CLP evangelization, "bakit nahihirapang magrecruit? eh hindi naman kelangan tumingin sa malayo? Sino sa pamilya mo ang hindi pa miyembro ng community? Simulan natin dun. Make "families renewing the face of the earth" come to life right in your home."

I did. By God's grace I did. And so this is my CFC - Camingawan family in the community. :P

The night before Papa died, Mama and I were able to do a mini household in the ICU, holding hands. Still in his last days, we were a family praying together.

Today I know that Papa is in even bigger community now that he is in heaven. And while I miss him so much I am comforted by the fact that heaven has earned another angel.  In the coming days however, my new mission begins -- to inspire Mama to crossover and serve in Handmaids of the Lord. 

So help me God.