I remembered exactly how we announced to friends and family
that we were expecting baby no. 2. – on the day of our 2nd
anniversary, no less. I knew it weeks before that. Must be because I know my
body too well. More than excitement, there was fear. Pol was more dumbfounded
than I was. We just knew that baby no. 2 didn’t really come in the best of timing,
with the 1st baby born prematurely, my CS delivery and yes, the most
concern coming from my health issues being diabetic and hypertensive.
We prepared ourselves from not just how our parents would
react but more so, how our doctors would. It was strictly advised not to
conceive yet in the next 5 years or at least until I completely manage my BP
and sugar.
Anyway, as any expecting parents would, we embraced the
blessing with all our heart. When the ultrasound confirmed our pregnancy, we
were yet again happy, like it’s the first time. However, something about the
ultrasound was daunting. The baby’s heartbeat was slow.
To cut the story short, I came back for another ultrasound
two weeks after, and heard the words: THERE IS NO HEARTBEAT. My world stopped.
Right in the doctor’s office, I tried to put up a face and held back the tears. I didn’t
even know how to tell the news to my mother who was waiting excitedly outside
the ultrasound room.
The grief of losing a baby—of all the possibilities -- is
incomparable. Three days and one medical procedure after, I am not sure if I am
emotionally stable.
I went straight to the church after finding out. On the way,
I sent an SMS to my husband and best friend – we lost the baby, there is no
heartbeat whilst trying not to break down inside the jeepney. I cried my heart
out inside the church. I didn’t asked God why. I just cried. Deep in my gut, I
blamed myself—for not being healthy enough, not being strong enough for my baby
whom we called different names-- MC, JP3, Clarito…
A cousin messaged, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes.” How
apt. I am thankful and humbled to be in a spiritual place where I’ve learned that
everything happens according to His will. I know that the joy that He gave to
our growing family may be short-lived but will never be forgotten. I know that another
angel has been added to look over me. Knowing all those things though, wouldn’t
stop me from feeling and longing—for the could have been and the might have
been.
If for anything and despite the physical, emotional, and
financial trauma this experience brought us – this has brought my family
closer. It reminded me to treasure life, as it is fleeting. And so I need to be
healthy for my first born Johanne. The world may have ended for baby MC, but it
is just beginning for my eldest. We have witnessed a miracle in her birth story
and she will turn a year in just 2 months. There is more reason to celebrate
than mourn. And while a piece of me is gone with baby MC, God’s grace is new
every morning.
For now, I take time to pray for myself and for those in the
same shoes as I am – those who have lost a loved one, for fellow mothers who
have miscarried, for mothers who gave birth to premature babies, or babies who
are unwell. Even to those who wants to become parents but biologically unable. God is a God of miracle, the healer of our soul, and the ultimate
comforter. Let us cast our fears, pains, and worries on Him who can do all
things.
And yes, I will continue to grieve with the Lord, until He
takes the sorrow away.
To friends and family who has celebrated with our joy in
announcing the great news of baby no. 2 – please include a prayer for baby MC
tonight. Heaven has earned another angel. And may God bless all of you a
thousand folds.
