And it all came back to me.

It's amazing how songs can bring back memories and emotions. Today at work, I (almost) watched a student sing "I don't want to miss a thing" by Aerosmith. Upon finding about her song choice I worried that I might lose it.

And I did.

Blame it to that movie Armageddon. That tear jerker flick never fails to make me cry 'til now. That same song, is the song my sister and I sang for my Papa's eulogy. At that time, we felt the lyrics were made for us and captured our feelings for our dad. Today, I relived the pain, the love and the journey. It felt so real and fresh as if it just happened yesterday.

And so the loser that I am now, ran away from the music and found myself writing my gut out.

In a few months time I will become a wife. Since my fiance is a musician, I requested my bridal walk to be the same song. It is my way to honor my dad, who will never see me wear that off white dress. I will never hear him complain about how long it takes for women to dress up. I will never hear him bully my mom about her make up. Or go to me and say that I'm like a "bella" with my red lipstick. I will never get a chance to see his nod of approval or his shy smile that always says, "I'm proud of you Ate." I will never get a chance to have my Papa walk me down the aisle.

Yes, he may be watching over me and smiling that day. But it is never the same. Never the same.

On the day of the wedding, I pray for the strength to hold it together.Ironic how my big day can be the happiest and well, 2nd to saddest, day of my life.

I pray for the day when the tears will stop flowing when I hear that song. For now, let me just take my time to mourn.

Join me shall you?

Because it's All Soul's Day

I have a fear on death. One of my own (apparently called Tanathophobia). I dreamt about my death a lot of times. In my dreams I was being buried and I could even feel myself rotting. Horrible. And then I fear losing people through death as well. When my father died last year, the concept of death became more real. People know for sure that there is no way to escape death, but few people really have a clear grasp of it. Today's celebration of All Soul's Day is fitting. I have reasons to be sentimental.

"Death is the only destination we all share." - Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs once said, "Death is the only destination we all share." How true. And unless one has a close encounter with death, one can never really relate to how it really is. No words can comfort a broken heart. No flowers can replace the empty void left by that person. And even if they say time heals all wounds, it does not (at least for me). It could be that I am just impatient, as always.

When I think about it, there is more to death that I fear. It is a web of my insecurities, my vulnerabilities: the fear of being left behind, fear of being lost somewhere, fear of uncertainty, fear of being forgotten.

I can go on about my premature questions on heaven, hell and the in betweens, or even my thoughts on where our ultimate destination would be after this short stint on earth. But since I developed a relationship with Christ, I felt somehow that all of these are philosophical let alone insignificant. All I know now is that, since I accepted Christ in my life and has convicted myself to be with Him, I have never felt alone. When I lost Papa, it was Him who sustained me and my family. And even though I still fear dying, I strive to live a life that is pleasing to Him, so that I can join Him in the after life. Strive is the operative word. Pakahirap naman talaga kasing panindigan ang desisyong mabuhay para kay Kristo. Tall order. Extra challenge.

To talk about life as we commemorate the dead might be ironic. But it is in death that I have felt the urge to live my life fully according to how He wills it to be. By being reminded that my stay here is timed, (no matter how scary it is) I am challenged to seize every moment righteously. And in times that I fail to do so, I pray that I get to wake up another day to make amends.

Life and death offers so much of lessons despite the dichotomies. In the end, I hope to still have the best both worlds can offer.

Allow me to share this song from Jeremy Camp titled "There will be a day." May this inspire us to live life to fullest (despite of...) so we can look forward to the life that awaits after.

 

"There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always." - Jeremy Camp

 

PS. I hope we took the time today to say a short prayer for the souls of our deceased loved ones. :)

Insomnia attack is time for lots of thinking and feeling for Tets.

It's 2:17am and I'm still awake.

I have been like this since Papa died. I stay awake the whole night and sleep the whole day through. If it weren't for cousins staying for vacation, I won't even bother waking up until it's 6pm again.

It's 42 days already since Papa left us. And up until now, I still cry from time to time. Until when will I do this? How I wish I could mourn with my sister. Mama is so fragile I can't really tell her what I feel about losing Papa. She still cries every now and then. And it's my role to be the stronger one for us.

In yesterday's homily Fr. Tony talks about afflictions taken from the first reading:

We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint... – Romans 5:3-5

And since Fr. Tony is the chaplain of Perpetual Help (the hospital), he shared some of his hospital experiences, and how he is inspired by the hope patients and even relatives hold dearly. And again I was teary eyed because it brought me back to my family's journey in the last few months. 

It was only hope and faith that got me through when I was witnessing my Papa's health deteriorate. You know, when you think you almost have nothing, you hold on to one thing that is above everything else, God. In the end, I surrendered and asked the grace to accept what I cannot change. The journey is painful, but it made me, Mama, and Candy stronger. It made me realize how short our life is and to value non material things. 

In another news, I know that I am bound to Qatar real soon. That's when and until I get that visa. Ugggh.. because it's taking quite a long time for that visa to come along, I feel like being in a limbo. For a person who's so used to multi tasking and now doing nothing, this is really heartbreaking. It is making me double think of my reasons and motives to work there. It is giving me lots of time to rethink, and even draft a plan b and c in my head. And knowing that I can really be impulsive, I might just have reasons not to leave after all. So please visa, come this week or I might just bid you goodbye too. I know loved ones will even be more happy.


Hay... Lord, bahala na po Kayo...may Your will be done. Amen.

The biggest heartbreak.

I thought I was going to die of heartbreak when I was 21. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I actually thought I have unlimited source of tears back then. All for a guy I thought was my one true love. I was wrong of course.

Today feels exactly the same. I can't sleep, nothing taste well, I don't want to leave the house...I don't want to move. Only this time, at 28, I am having the biggest heartbreak ever. Nothing can ever top this feeling.

Losing Papa is devastating because he is not like any man. My sister and I are always proud to say that no man can ever fit the bill. He is the benchmark. Our hero, our joker, our friend. The best partner to mama, the best father for us despite his imperfections.

Our last out of town together, Tagaytay Feb 2013.

We have always been a happy family. My Papa is an OFW and even though we only see him once a year, we never felt fatherless. He spends money for calls, and regularly sends us mails. Mama thought us early on that Papa is making the greatest sacrifice of not being with us so that he can give us a good life. And a good life we had.

I knew that despite living a decent life -- with house, car, a little bit of money, I'm sure that Papa is also sad to have missed a big part of our growing up years. In the same way that I am also sad not having him around during birthdays, Christmas, and yes, my College graduation. And so when I was older, I resolved that I will make the most of his retirement years. And in 2007, he did retire, not out of his will, but because he is already too sick to work. Imagine me at 22, fetching my Papa being rolled out of the airport in a wheelchair.

The past week has been difficult for the three ladies that Papa left. Over the week, I have been thankful that I was with him in his last few days. Ganun pala noh? Kahit pa alam ko na na dun din ang kahihitnatnan ng mga pangyayari, hanggang sa dulo, umaasa ako sa milagro. 

Well, I cannot escape the inevitable truth... Papa is gone. And as one close friend told me, his birthday on earth is April 22, but his new birthday in heaven now is April 16. We are comforted by this truth.

***

May 16, 2013.

Today is the 30th day that he is gone. And when people ask me how I am, how my family is, I always tell them the truth, that we are not yet okay. I really don't know when I will be okay. And much as I know that life moves on, it takes every inch of energy and will power to command my entire being to MOVE ON... It is hard for me to repress my emotions but I need to. It is painful to see Mama cry every now and then, mourning still for her husband. It is devastating to see my Papa's stuff, still very much present in our house. And while others tell us to pretend that Papa just left again for abroad, we cannot do so. The realization that we will never be a complete family again is heartbreaking... that so many new memories will be made without my Papa again....When can we be completely be healed? Only God knows.

***

The day after Papa was buried, Mama was crying over breakfast. She not only missed Papa, but she was overwhelmed with the love our family received during the most difficult moment of our lives. She said, "Andami palang kaibigan ng mga anak ko... andaming nagmamahal sa atin. Ambait ni God." To which I replied, "Because you and Papa raised us well. Who we are now are reflections of our parents." Today, I still very much believed in what I told Mama. They are not perfect parents, nor are we perfect daughters, but they raised Candy and I to be God fearing and loving individuals reflected in the relationships that we built with family and friends. I never felt alone during those week. And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank our loved ones, relatives, and friends from all stages of our lives, you know who you are, and may God continue to bless all of you.

***

How apt, these lines from a song by Tamia reflect my state of heart. Tawa lang ng tawa..pero broken inside.

"So I put on my make up, put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me everything is ok
I'm laughing coz no one knows the joke's on me
That I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
Singing Lalalala..."