Looking through my Papa's eyes

Last 16 April, my family commemorated my father's two years death anniversary. As a busy OFW, I planned to go to church and failed. My mom and sister visited him at the cemetery, while I ended up lighting a candle for him at the back of my house.

As I await for the candles to burn out, I traveled to my last memories of Papa. You see, I will not be in Qatar if not for him. While he was not so keen about me going abroad since what I have in the Philippines is really not bad, he supported my impulsive job hunt by giving me leads. And when finally I had an offer with the company I now work for, he was the one who read the contract and reviewed my offer. He said ok, and I was ok. Three days before he died, I told him that I will not work abroad anymore. I was just waiting for my work visa then. Lying in the ICU bed, he opposed the plan and promised to wait for the day that I return after my two years contract. He promised that we will still tour the Philippines and eventually abroad together. It was the first broken promise of him that I can remember, and I will be forever brokenhearted.

But now he is gone. And I am, like how we was before he retired, an OFW. Suddenly, everything made more sense now. What he sacrificed to make me, Mama and my sister's life comfortable is more real. It is shameful that while I appreciated everything then, it is only now that I completely understood what his sacrifice meant--his whole life.

I am single, and this past two years is the only time I felt that I really worked so hard. I was never into expensive things or gadgets, nor bags and clothes. But I would admit that to a certain extent I still feel that what I have is never enough. And so I thought of Papa. He used to go home yearly to us with big balikbayan boxes. We always had the latest toys and gadgets, the latest appliance, which my mom never uses. I struggle completing two balikbayan boxes! How did he do that? I can only imagine.

Sometimes, at the verge of despair, I wanted to just pack my bags and go. The stress can be so much. And when I do that, I confidently say that I have nothing to lose. I can just go, pay for my bond, and go back to the Philippines. I think of the times that maybe my Papa felt the same. But unlike me, he can never just go back home, as he has bigger responsibilities -- house mortgage, school, food etc etc... I go back to the time when I was big enough to understand that he was having a hard time with his boss, I listened to his whines, but witnessed how he sustained, and painstakingly finished the contract. He did it, for us.

I remembered that day I had to bring myself to the hospital here in Doha. Alone. I told myself to be brave because I had no one to look after me. I wondered how many times Papa fell sick and we were not there to take care of him. I bite into my chocolate everyday thinking that this was how Papa got his diabetes, and then stopped my sweet cravings just for a day of two. I think of the time Papa calls us once a week and writes to us consistently while I send a message to Mama once a week as well despite Viber. Shameful.

I am writing this blog at my favorite coffee place. Today is Papa's birthday and I decided to celebrate it. Here in this corner nook I fight the tears as everything seemed to be still unreal. Papa has taught me lessons and it is more meaningful today. He was my example of strength, faith, and of selfless love. I am proud to have gotten from him my simple ways of living, and I hope to be generous like him too.

Papa, while I know that things will never be the same again, I will continue seeing the world through your eyes, ensuring to live the life that you have always wanted me to have. I will go to the places we plan to go together, and the person you have raised me to be. Mama, Candy and I will always bring honor to your name. And while I will change my last name soon to the man I believe is so much like you, I will always be a Camingawan and my kids will be raised like one.

The barista in this coffee shop sings a song which coincidentally captures this moment. Happy birthday Papa. I love you with all my heart.

"Sa bawat pag-ikot ng ating buhay
May oras kailangan na maghiwalay
Puso'y lumaban man walang magagawa
Saan ka, kailan ka, muling mahahagkan
Magkulang man sa atin itong sandali
Alam ko na tayo'y magkikitang muli
Hangga't may umaga pa na haharapin
Ikaw lang ang mamahalin..."

Dear Kuya Barista, please stop singing the song na. Iiyak na ko ng bongga. Bow.

Insomnia attack is time for lots of thinking and feeling for Tets.

It's 2:17am and I'm still awake.

I have been like this since Papa died. I stay awake the whole night and sleep the whole day through. If it weren't for cousins staying for vacation, I won't even bother waking up until it's 6pm again.

It's 42 days already since Papa left us. And up until now, I still cry from time to time. Until when will I do this? How I wish I could mourn with my sister. Mama is so fragile I can't really tell her what I feel about losing Papa. She still cries every now and then. And it's my role to be the stronger one for us.

In yesterday's homily Fr. Tony talks about afflictions taken from the first reading:

We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint... – Romans 5:3-5

And since Fr. Tony is the chaplain of Perpetual Help (the hospital), he shared some of his hospital experiences, and how he is inspired by the hope patients and even relatives hold dearly. And again I was teary eyed because it brought me back to my family's journey in the last few months. 

It was only hope and faith that got me through when I was witnessing my Papa's health deteriorate. You know, when you think you almost have nothing, you hold on to one thing that is above everything else, God. In the end, I surrendered and asked the grace to accept what I cannot change. The journey is painful, but it made me, Mama, and Candy stronger. It made me realize how short our life is and to value non material things. 

In another news, I know that I am bound to Qatar real soon. That's when and until I get that visa. Ugggh.. because it's taking quite a long time for that visa to come along, I feel like being in a limbo. For a person who's so used to multi tasking and now doing nothing, this is really heartbreaking. It is making me double think of my reasons and motives to work there. It is giving me lots of time to rethink, and even draft a plan b and c in my head. And knowing that I can really be impulsive, I might just have reasons not to leave after all. So please visa, come this week or I might just bid you goodbye too. I know loved ones will even be more happy.


Hay... Lord, bahala na po Kayo...may Your will be done. Amen.

The biggest heartbreak.

I thought I was going to die of heartbreak when I was 21. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I actually thought I have unlimited source of tears back then. All for a guy I thought was my one true love. I was wrong of course.

Today feels exactly the same. I can't sleep, nothing taste well, I don't want to leave the house...I don't want to move. Only this time, at 28, I am having the biggest heartbreak ever. Nothing can ever top this feeling.

Losing Papa is devastating because he is not like any man. My sister and I are always proud to say that no man can ever fit the bill. He is the benchmark. Our hero, our joker, our friend. The best partner to mama, the best father for us despite his imperfections.

Our last out of town together, Tagaytay Feb 2013.

We have always been a happy family. My Papa is an OFW and even though we only see him once a year, we never felt fatherless. He spends money for calls, and regularly sends us mails. Mama thought us early on that Papa is making the greatest sacrifice of not being with us so that he can give us a good life. And a good life we had.

I knew that despite living a decent life -- with house, car, a little bit of money, I'm sure that Papa is also sad to have missed a big part of our growing up years. In the same way that I am also sad not having him around during birthdays, Christmas, and yes, my College graduation. And so when I was older, I resolved that I will make the most of his retirement years. And in 2007, he did retire, not out of his will, but because he is already too sick to work. Imagine me at 22, fetching my Papa being rolled out of the airport in a wheelchair.

The past week has been difficult for the three ladies that Papa left. Over the week, I have been thankful that I was with him in his last few days. Ganun pala noh? Kahit pa alam ko na na dun din ang kahihitnatnan ng mga pangyayari, hanggang sa dulo, umaasa ako sa milagro. 

Well, I cannot escape the inevitable truth... Papa is gone. And as one close friend told me, his birthday on earth is April 22, but his new birthday in heaven now is April 16. We are comforted by this truth.

***

May 16, 2013.

Today is the 30th day that he is gone. And when people ask me how I am, how my family is, I always tell them the truth, that we are not yet okay. I really don't know when I will be okay. And much as I know that life moves on, it takes every inch of energy and will power to command my entire being to MOVE ON... It is hard for me to repress my emotions but I need to. It is painful to see Mama cry every now and then, mourning still for her husband. It is devastating to see my Papa's stuff, still very much present in our house. And while others tell us to pretend that Papa just left again for abroad, we cannot do so. The realization that we will never be a complete family again is heartbreaking... that so many new memories will be made without my Papa again....When can we be completely be healed? Only God knows.

***

The day after Papa was buried, Mama was crying over breakfast. She not only missed Papa, but she was overwhelmed with the love our family received during the most difficult moment of our lives. She said, "Andami palang kaibigan ng mga anak ko... andaming nagmamahal sa atin. Ambait ni God." To which I replied, "Because you and Papa raised us well. Who we are now are reflections of our parents." Today, I still very much believed in what I told Mama. They are not perfect parents, nor are we perfect daughters, but they raised Candy and I to be God fearing and loving individuals reflected in the relationships that we built with family and friends. I never felt alone during those week. And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank our loved ones, relatives, and friends from all stages of our lives, you know who you are, and may God continue to bless all of you.

***

How apt, these lines from a song by Tamia reflect my state of heart. Tawa lang ng tawa..pero broken inside.

"So I put on my make up, put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me everything is ok
I'm laughing coz no one knows the joke's on me
That I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
Singing Lalalala..."