Insomnia attack is time for lots of thinking and feeling for Tets.

It's 2:17am and I'm still awake.

I have been like this since Papa died. I stay awake the whole night and sleep the whole day through. If it weren't for cousins staying for vacation, I won't even bother waking up until it's 6pm again.

It's 42 days already since Papa left us. And up until now, I still cry from time to time. Until when will I do this? How I wish I could mourn with my sister. Mama is so fragile I can't really tell her what I feel about losing Papa. She still cries every now and then. And it's my role to be the stronger one for us.

In yesterday's homily Fr. Tony talks about afflictions taken from the first reading:

We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint... – Romans 5:3-5

And since Fr. Tony is the chaplain of Perpetual Help (the hospital), he shared some of his hospital experiences, and how he is inspired by the hope patients and even relatives hold dearly. And again I was teary eyed because it brought me back to my family's journey in the last few months. 

It was only hope and faith that got me through when I was witnessing my Papa's health deteriorate. You know, when you think you almost have nothing, you hold on to one thing that is above everything else, God. In the end, I surrendered and asked the grace to accept what I cannot change. The journey is painful, but it made me, Mama, and Candy stronger. It made me realize how short our life is and to value non material things. 

In another news, I know that I am bound to Qatar real soon. That's when and until I get that visa. Ugggh.. because it's taking quite a long time for that visa to come along, I feel like being in a limbo. For a person who's so used to multi tasking and now doing nothing, this is really heartbreaking. It is making me double think of my reasons and motives to work there. It is giving me lots of time to rethink, and even draft a plan b and c in my head. And knowing that I can really be impulsive, I might just have reasons not to leave after all. So please visa, come this week or I might just bid you goodbye too. I know loved ones will even be more happy.


Hay... Lord, bahala na po Kayo...may Your will be done. Amen.

Thoughts to another... and another.

Once, somebody texted me just to ask what I think, is a make or break question for any SFC member.

"Sister, what makes you continue to serve in SFC after all these years."

Isang simpleng tanong pero nakakabagabag.

I remember praying before sending him my answer. In fact, the answer I sent him took me back to the six years of serving in Singles for Christ. 

I may not be able to write the exact words now but I said something like these:

* I rebuilt my personal relationship with God because of this community. My service is not because I love just the community, but more of an expression of how I love Him. Sabi ko sa Kanya, kahit san Niya ko dalhin, magseserve ako. I guess dito Nya kasi ko dinala for now. So nagsusumikap ako for Him.
* Hindi perfect ang community bro... Pag tao ang titingnan mo, mapapagod ka, mauubos ang pasensya mo, masasaktan ka. So draw your strength from the real Source of love, kasi makikita mo na lang, hindi ka pala nauubusan kasi pupunan Niya yun lagi. You cannot give what you don't have bro. And if you have the overflowing love of God, it will be natural to share the love to others. So fix your eyes on Him. :) 

Hopefully, God touched his heart. Happy to be used for His glory.

Hindi naman ako perpekto. Marami rin akong ayaw sa community, ayaw na tao.. ayaw na kultura. Maraming beses na kong nasaktan ng community na mahal na mahal ko. Pero di ba ganun naman? Pag mahal mo, madali patawarin? Pag mahal mo go lang ng go? Buti na lang maaga kong natutunan, "The community, the church, is a  hospital for sinners." Lahat tayo may swero pa... so tuloy tuloy lang. Go go lang unti we recover di ba? Basta ang driving force lang lagi si God at hindi kung sino man dyan. Take it one day at a time. 


***

Dear Lord,

What is your message for me at work? Help me glorify You through my job. Love and hate relationship naman kasi talaga yung nangyayari sa kin pagdating sa trabaho. Grabedad. Inspire me Lord please?


***

How do I save the world? Or at least her world?

Pano mo tutulungan ang taong ayaw tulungan ever sarili nya? Puro excuses, walang ginagawa. Pano mo tutulungan yung taong, naalala ka lang pag gipit na gipit na siya? Pano mo tutulungan ang tao kung asar na asar ka sa kanya?

Lord, how do I love my neighbors again? :)

***

Today, I think, I will be a forever girlfriend. 

***

Hmm.. how I wish I can not multi task. But then again, multi tasking is a rare gift. And Ive mastered it already. 

***

Sa gitna ng habagat nagsilabasan ang mga bayani. Nasukat ang tibay ng Pinoy. Nalaman rin ang mga buwaya, plastik at nagbabakat kayo. San ka dun? Mas importante ata, san ako dun?


Sana dalawin na ko ng antok. 

Never look back.

"Remember Lot's wife!" Luke 17:32


"But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt." Genesis 19:26







Today I am reminded of the story of Lot's wife who turned to salt after defying the most important survival instruction: Never look back. Hers was a chance of a lifetime. She and her family will be saved from her sinful city's destruction, if only they run fast and do not look back. Obviously, she did not pass the marshmallow test.


When I went through my writings from years ago, I knew that I have come a long way already from being a drama girl that I was. I have learned to count my blessings and have gained wisdom to know what I should consider the treasures in my life. In my darkest hour, God has redeemed me and gave me countless of chances. And through the years, I am convicted to use my story in however God wants me. 


I was able to run away from the fire. But today, I confess that I haven't really stop looking back when I get the chance. 


I am Lot's wife in many occasions.


It's always tempting to look back, let alone dangerous. A sister always tell me that the devil is scheming. He wants me to look back. He wants me to go through the mental pain of "What ifs, and wasn't it more fun then?" It brings me back to the days when I used to have those things, used to do those things. He wants me to be weak again. 


Today, when I remembered a specific memory, it just didn't bring me to a happy place. I relived the pain. And then I remembered Mother Theresa saying, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be." I am already a new creation. He said, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new" 2 Cor 5: 17


I have come a long way because Jesus Christ made it possible. And yes, there is still things ahead of me but I know better now to face my giants head on. The urge to look back will always be strong. But this is what I have to say, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13. 


No more looking back.