And it all came back to me.

It's amazing how songs can bring back memories and emotions. Today at work, I (almost) watched a student sing "I don't want to miss a thing" by Aerosmith. Upon finding about her song choice I worried that I might lose it.

And I did.

Blame it to that movie Armageddon. That tear jerker flick never fails to make me cry 'til now. That same song, is the song my sister and I sang for my Papa's eulogy. At that time, we felt the lyrics were made for us and captured our feelings for our dad. Today, I relived the pain, the love and the journey. It felt so real and fresh as if it just happened yesterday.

And so the loser that I am now, ran away from the music and found myself writing my gut out.

In a few months time I will become a wife. Since my fiance is a musician, I requested my bridal walk to be the same song. It is my way to honor my dad, who will never see me wear that off white dress. I will never hear him complain about how long it takes for women to dress up. I will never hear him bully my mom about her make up. Or go to me and say that I'm like a "bella" with my red lipstick. I will never get a chance to see his nod of approval or his shy smile that always says, "I'm proud of you Ate." I will never get a chance to have my Papa walk me down the aisle.

Yes, he may be watching over me and smiling that day. But it is never the same. Never the same.

On the day of the wedding, I pray for the strength to hold it together.Ironic how my big day can be the happiest and well, 2nd to saddest, day of my life.

I pray for the day when the tears will stop flowing when I hear that song. For now, let me just take my time to mourn.

Join me shall you?

Because it's All Soul's Day

I have a fear on death. One of my own (apparently called Tanathophobia). I dreamt about my death a lot of times. In my dreams I was being buried and I could even feel myself rotting. Horrible. And then I fear losing people through death as well. When my father died last year, the concept of death became more real. People know for sure that there is no way to escape death, but few people really have a clear grasp of it. Today's celebration of All Soul's Day is fitting. I have reasons to be sentimental.

"Death is the only destination we all share." - Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs once said, "Death is the only destination we all share." How true. And unless one has a close encounter with death, one can never really relate to how it really is. No words can comfort a broken heart. No flowers can replace the empty void left by that person. And even if they say time heals all wounds, it does not (at least for me). It could be that I am just impatient, as always.

When I think about it, there is more to death that I fear. It is a web of my insecurities, my vulnerabilities: the fear of being left behind, fear of being lost somewhere, fear of uncertainty, fear of being forgotten.

I can go on about my premature questions on heaven, hell and the in betweens, or even my thoughts on where our ultimate destination would be after this short stint on earth. But since I developed a relationship with Christ, I felt somehow that all of these are philosophical let alone insignificant. All I know now is that, since I accepted Christ in my life and has convicted myself to be with Him, I have never felt alone. When I lost Papa, it was Him who sustained me and my family. And even though I still fear dying, I strive to live a life that is pleasing to Him, so that I can join Him in the after life. Strive is the operative word. Pakahirap naman talaga kasing panindigan ang desisyong mabuhay para kay Kristo. Tall order. Extra challenge.

To talk about life as we commemorate the dead might be ironic. But it is in death that I have felt the urge to live my life fully according to how He wills it to be. By being reminded that my stay here is timed, (no matter how scary it is) I am challenged to seize every moment righteously. And in times that I fail to do so, I pray that I get to wake up another day to make amends.

Life and death offers so much of lessons despite the dichotomies. In the end, I hope to still have the best both worlds can offer.

Allow me to share this song from Jeremy Camp titled "There will be a day." May this inspire us to live life to fullest (despite of...) so we can look forward to the life that awaits after.

 

"There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always." - Jeremy Camp

 

PS. I hope we took the time today to say a short prayer for the souls of our deceased loved ones. :)

True to my core.

I am not myself lately.

As if moving to this side of the world has clipped my otherwise straightforward tongue, and cut my free spirited self.

Instead of expanding my territory, the world has become very small.

Fact remains. This is not my home. This is not the place where I belong.

Temporary. This is temporary. I will not succumb to death of the sprit. I will rise up and dare to remain true to my core.

#sohelpmegod