Because today is P's birthday.

09.07.08 First time to celebrate Papol's birthday as a couple.

Celebrating birthdays across the miles--one of the many firsts that Pol and I will be doing since I decided to work here in the Middle East.  Long distance relationship is sweet and difficult at the same time.

I remember Pol telling me weeks before my departure, "Pag andun ka na ha, wag mo ko masyado aawayin, kasi hindi kita mapupuntahan." Haha! Ok, fine. When Pol and I argue then, mostly because my topak ako, Pol though most of the times apprehensive, will show up (either alone or may back up na kaibigan), and I knew right then just by seeing him that things are okay. Kahit kunwari galit pa rin ako.

If you have been to my father's Eulogy last April, I mentioned that growing up despite of being surrounded by LDRs (Papa is an OFW and my sister has an ongoing long distance relationship for 11 years now), I was firm in believing that LDRs don't work.

But I was converted.

It's true what they say, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Being away from the boyfriend is like growing up again. I have to unlearn so many things, mostly those I love doing with Pol -- eating, coffee, tambay and of course serving together in Singles for Christ. Also, it gave me so much wider perspective on why I am so blessed to have him in my life.

We're not really showy, and we try to be not so mushy. We call each other Pakners even, na parang tropa lang.  But to us it's deeper than the casual tone to it. We are truly partners in many ways, because no matter how we deny it, we do things best together.

At dahil birthday nya, ilalabas ko na ang video scandal ko... Bwaahaha.. Kakuntsaba ang SFC-SCOM, at mga colleagues ko sa IAID Qatar (our vocal/keyboards Instructor Ms. Hazel, and our Events Officer, Ms. Shiela)...Salamat po sa mga accomplices.

Eto talaga yung pinlay sa The Voice SFC Laguna audition last 1st September. Video sya, hindi mp3... nagkamali lang daw yung nagpasimuno. :P

Happy birthday Polito!!!

Coz Pol you're amazing, just the way you are. Ang nagagawa nga naman ng pag-ibig. hahahaha.

The effort paid off seeing this video recording his reaction, :P

To POL: Seeing this video made me miss you so much. :) TNL na TNL sa pagpigil ng luha ha. (Tunay na lalaki). 7th September has always been a very special day for me spiritually since 2006. Pero hindi ko akalain na magiging mas special pa pala ito kasi ito rin pala ang araw na ipinanganak ang ultimate gift ni God sa kin. To my Pakner, my Sweetie, my 4G and now my fiance, have a blast today! I can't wait to be Mrs. Bermudez soon. God bless you more.

My family's CFC story

Yesterday is my 2nd month in Doha. While I feel so blessed and happy, I am homesick. To while my feelings away I browsed old pictures of friends and family on FB. And then I saw this picture of Papa.

 

Taken last 17 April 2013

Many people asked me that time why I chose that not so serious picture. I told them, that's Papa-- always finding reasons to smile, always giving people reasons to smile. I want to remember how he is even until his last days.

Today though I do not want to talk about his death. I want to talk about something related to the shirt he is wearing on that picture.

My parents are members of Couples for Christ Laguna.

Papa's contribution to my Catholic faith was strong. As an OFW, his overseas calls and letters were filled with lessons on praying always to Papa God and keeping our faith. Mama on the other hand was an active servant of our church and was responsible in making sure we attend a Catholic school, participate in church activities, and yes, join different Catholic organizations. In 1997, I was a member of Youth for Christ at an early age of 12.

Back then I did not appreciate it much. I felt obligated to do it. Things changed when I became a member of Singles for Christ. I started developing real and personal relationship with the Lord. I gained extended families through my sisters and brothers in SFC, as well as my Titos and Titas in the community. When I graduated from the Christian Life Program in December 2005, I resolved to bring my family in the community by God's grace. I was successful in forcing my sister to join SFC the next year, and she was grateful that I did. The two of us served with all that we can since then.

The community of Couples for Christ has been like a second family to me. Twing my gatherings, hindi ako magkandaugaga sa kamamano, kakakiss, kaka bati. Parang fiesta lagi. For me, there is so much love, joy and sincerity. I felt jealous of families coming together, all serving God through the community. Yung tipong pag CFC Laguna anniversary kumpleto sila kasi parents CFC, si ate SFC, tas yung sumunod YFC, and then si bunso KFC. Being part of the events group of the community, I saw everything behind the stage. One day, I told my sister, "balang araw, makakasama rin natin sila Mama at Papa dito."

Papa retired in 2008 and so finally we were together as a family. While he was not evidently prayerful and vocal about his faith, I knew that he is a man of faith. He came home several times from the Middle East with overused Bibles and crucifix. He would call our attention when we chat inside the church. And most importantly, he was a good husband and father to us. He was a good man.

He was also the type who can never say "No" to friends. And so in 2009, when I heard that a CLP in our subdivision was being opened, I knew my strategy. I approached  Tito Jun Domingo (then PFO of Golden City Chapter if I'm not mistaken) and told him, "Tito, come to the house now and look for Calvin, my dad, and invite him to join the CLP." True enough, Papa was shy to directly say no, and Mama got tired of us reminding them of the opening date.

Papa and Mama graduated from Couples for Christ that same year. I even watched them practice their dedication performance to the tune of Willie's "Ikaw Na Nga". By God's grace, I saw how Mama, but more so Papa transformed. He started leading us into prayers, attending households (even if he is alone), and big gatherings. And eventually, they became household heads. Our weekends were spent serving God through the community. My most memorable CFC family experience however is to be able to bring my entire family in one of my CLP talks, "The Christian Family" in 2010.

Parents, Candy and myself during my CLP Talk 7 (The Christian Family) last November 2010

I would have loved to see my parents become Team Leaders, and eventually be couple coordinators in any of the ministries. But God's plan is not my plan. I am just thankful enough to have my prayers answered.

As proof that CFC is not just an affiliation but really a family, my parents' household never left us alone in my Papa's hospital episodes. They visited  frequently to provide us prayers and moral support. Coincidentally, when Papa was declared dead in the morning of April 16, the first couple to aid us at that very traumatic moment, was also Tito Jun and his wife (the couple whom I approached to recruit my parents in CFC).

I maybe bad with names, as I won't remember all the names of the couples in my parent's household or from their chapter, but I will never forget the faces and the good heart of the CFCs who were there physically, emotionally and spiritually during the most difficult moments of our lives.

Once, a couple coordinator from SFC told us during a provincial CLP evangelization, "bakit nahihirapang magrecruit? eh hindi naman kelangan tumingin sa malayo? Sino sa pamilya mo ang hindi pa miyembro ng community? Simulan natin dun. Make "families renewing the face of the earth" come to life right in your home."

I did. By God's grace I did. And so this is my CFC - Camingawan family in the community. :P

The night before Papa died, Mama and I were able to do a mini household in the ICU, holding hands. Still in his last days, we were a family praying together.

Today I know that Papa is in even bigger community now that he is in heaven. And while I miss him so much I am comforted by the fact that heaven has earned another angel.  In the coming days however, my new mission begins -- to inspire Mama to crossover and serve in Handmaids of the Lord. 

So help me God.

When God expanded my territory.

Up until today, I am still at awe at how God is so gracious to give me so much blessings I don't think I even deserve. A lot of things happened the past few months-- both bad and good. From losing a dad to landing a job in a foreign place, from missing home to making new friends and family. All these are blessings.

When I bumped into the prayer of Jabez, I did pray for Him to expand my territory and bless the works of my hands. I prepped myself for shower of blessings and expected tougher challenges. I know that the other side won't make it easy for me. But I continued trusting in God's plans and in His timings. Believe me, there were times that I've become impatient and was depressed even -all because I wanted to make things happen. Looking back, those challenges were God's way of teaching me lessons.

Last June 28, 2013, I landed in Qatar. I waited for a year to get this job. I told Papa God, Your will be done. Would you wait for a job in 1 year? Or would you seek elsewhere already, where it's nearer home? I decided to take the risk and dive. You know what's the best part about moving to Qatar? It's not only the job. It's also because God decided that I shouldn't be alone in this new adventure. My sister bestfriend is here with me. And though Mama is left behind in the Philippines, that is how it's supposed to be. I know God will take care of her as well.

28th June 1am. Doha landing and meeting bes tfriend.

Our Lady of the Rosary Doha. 28th June, 11am
Going to the church the same day I landed was very overwhelming. 

The first month is a challenge yet I am surprised with how much closer I feel God's guidance. From choosing the best roommate (who happens to be members of CFC in the Philippines), great co-workers, and finding the SFC community, I couldn't ask for more. And while for sure, I know that things will not be completely be a bed of roses, I am confident that I can do anything by God's grace.

Once upon a time, I prayed that He expands my territory. I didn't really know how or to what extent. I prayed that He use me according to how He pleases, and this is my now.

Rocking Doha with my sister

Rising to God's new work challenge

Found CFC Family

Growing spiritually with my wew SFC HH! SFC Qatar

and yes... finally engaged to my God's gift.

Isn't God the greatest? :)

So what about challenges you think? I'm ready to face it all. With my big God, there are no big challenges.
 

Thank You Papa God! :) You're the best.

Insomnia attack is time for lots of thinking and feeling for Tets.

It's 2:17am and I'm still awake.

I have been like this since Papa died. I stay awake the whole night and sleep the whole day through. If it weren't for cousins staying for vacation, I won't even bother waking up until it's 6pm again.

It's 42 days already since Papa left us. And up until now, I still cry from time to time. Until when will I do this? How I wish I could mourn with my sister. Mama is so fragile I can't really tell her what I feel about losing Papa. She still cries every now and then. And it's my role to be the stronger one for us.

In yesterday's homily Fr. Tony talks about afflictions taken from the first reading:

We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint... – Romans 5:3-5

And since Fr. Tony is the chaplain of Perpetual Help (the hospital), he shared some of his hospital experiences, and how he is inspired by the hope patients and even relatives hold dearly. And again I was teary eyed because it brought me back to my family's journey in the last few months. 

It was only hope and faith that got me through when I was witnessing my Papa's health deteriorate. You know, when you think you almost have nothing, you hold on to one thing that is above everything else, God. In the end, I surrendered and asked the grace to accept what I cannot change. The journey is painful, but it made me, Mama, and Candy stronger. It made me realize how short our life is and to value non material things. 

In another news, I know that I am bound to Qatar real soon. That's when and until I get that visa. Ugggh.. because it's taking quite a long time for that visa to come along, I feel like being in a limbo. For a person who's so used to multi tasking and now doing nothing, this is really heartbreaking. It is making me double think of my reasons and motives to work there. It is giving me lots of time to rethink, and even draft a plan b and c in my head. And knowing that I can really be impulsive, I might just have reasons not to leave after all. So please visa, come this week or I might just bid you goodbye too. I know loved ones will even be more happy.


Hay... Lord, bahala na po Kayo...may Your will be done. Amen.

The biggest heartbreak.

I thought I was going to die of heartbreak when I was 21. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I actually thought I have unlimited source of tears back then. All for a guy I thought was my one true love. I was wrong of course.

Today feels exactly the same. I can't sleep, nothing taste well, I don't want to leave the house...I don't want to move. Only this time, at 28, I am having the biggest heartbreak ever. Nothing can ever top this feeling.

Losing Papa is devastating because he is not like any man. My sister and I are always proud to say that no man can ever fit the bill. He is the benchmark. Our hero, our joker, our friend. The best partner to mama, the best father for us despite his imperfections.

Our last out of town together, Tagaytay Feb 2013.

We have always been a happy family. My Papa is an OFW and even though we only see him once a year, we never felt fatherless. He spends money for calls, and regularly sends us mails. Mama thought us early on that Papa is making the greatest sacrifice of not being with us so that he can give us a good life. And a good life we had.

I knew that despite living a decent life -- with house, car, a little bit of money, I'm sure that Papa is also sad to have missed a big part of our growing up years. In the same way that I am also sad not having him around during birthdays, Christmas, and yes, my College graduation. And so when I was older, I resolved that I will make the most of his retirement years. And in 2007, he did retire, not out of his will, but because he is already too sick to work. Imagine me at 22, fetching my Papa being rolled out of the airport in a wheelchair.

The past week has been difficult for the three ladies that Papa left. Over the week, I have been thankful that I was with him in his last few days. Ganun pala noh? Kahit pa alam ko na na dun din ang kahihitnatnan ng mga pangyayari, hanggang sa dulo, umaasa ako sa milagro. 

Well, I cannot escape the inevitable truth... Papa is gone. And as one close friend told me, his birthday on earth is April 22, but his new birthday in heaven now is April 16. We are comforted by this truth.

***

May 16, 2013.

Today is the 30th day that he is gone. And when people ask me how I am, how my family is, I always tell them the truth, that we are not yet okay. I really don't know when I will be okay. And much as I know that life moves on, it takes every inch of energy and will power to command my entire being to MOVE ON... It is hard for me to repress my emotions but I need to. It is painful to see Mama cry every now and then, mourning still for her husband. It is devastating to see my Papa's stuff, still very much present in our house. And while others tell us to pretend that Papa just left again for abroad, we cannot do so. The realization that we will never be a complete family again is heartbreaking... that so many new memories will be made without my Papa again....When can we be completely be healed? Only God knows.

***

The day after Papa was buried, Mama was crying over breakfast. She not only missed Papa, but she was overwhelmed with the love our family received during the most difficult moment of our lives. She said, "Andami palang kaibigan ng mga anak ko... andaming nagmamahal sa atin. Ambait ni God." To which I replied, "Because you and Papa raised us well. Who we are now are reflections of our parents." Today, I still very much believed in what I told Mama. They are not perfect parents, nor are we perfect daughters, but they raised Candy and I to be God fearing and loving individuals reflected in the relationships that we built with family and friends. I never felt alone during those week. And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank our loved ones, relatives, and friends from all stages of our lives, you know who you are, and may God continue to bless all of you.

***

How apt, these lines from a song by Tamia reflect my state of heart. Tawa lang ng tawa..pero broken inside.

"So I put on my make up, put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me everything is ok
I'm laughing coz no one knows the joke's on me
That I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
Singing Lalalala..."

I choose me.

There will come a point in one's life for that major move. There will be a time to make a choice, to take that chance, and to welcome that change. All these don't really happen just once in our lives. For decisions are a way of life.


I just made one BIG CHOICE recently. I dared to make that BOLD MOVE. And in a matter of days my life will change. As to how big the change will be, I am excited to find out. I am also anxious but I know in my gut that everything will be alright. I know this because it is a leap of faith with God.

As always, choosing has its consequence. And one of it is getting hurt. I already forgot how it feels to be hurt by people I love. It's been a while. But then again, I cannot put the blame on them alone. Times like these, I need to to remember that every time I point a finger to others, there are four more pointed towards me. While I do not have the choice to avoid the pain in my current situation, I can always choose to do the right thing. I can always choose to do the most lovable thing. And while I take the time to understand everything, I can always choose what is good for everybody.

For now I am choosing myself and my dreams. I will let the universe conspire. People who love me will understand my choices. They will because ultimately, they will see that the choice I am making will also be good for me. I can't undo things. How I wish I can... but eventually, we learn and then move forward.

Yes, eventually, and in God's time, the pain will go away. For everything happens for a reason, and I am not alone in this fight. :)

Dear Heart, c'mown...

When You Fall In Love

WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE
(Debunking The Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)
By: Bo Sanchez

This article isn’t for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see 42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah’s couch because of Katie?). It happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated, holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green… it doesn’t really matter. All of us fall in love. And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy. My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them. Let’s begin…

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL.

Let me qualify. This is such a tricky myth. Because love, as defined by the Bible, will conquer all. But love, as defined by glazed-eyed lovers, will not. If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:You overlook major obstacles in your relationship. Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with poison. But you won’t, because you’re in love. That’s why there are songs entitled, “You And Me Against The World.”

Your bestbuds comment, “but he’s been jobless for the past three years!” And you say, “He’s free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he’s in the office. (in other words, he’s undisciplined, lazy bum.)

Your officemates say, “He flirts with other women constantly!” and you say, “No, he’s just friendly.” (in other words, he’s a pervert).

Your cousins say, “He’s taking drugs, he’s got needle marks all over his arm.” And you say, “No, he’s into cross stitching.”

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change him.

The wedding doesn’t transform anyone. Even if three Popes officiate the wedding. The person you’ll march with into the church will be the same person you’ll march with out of the church. He doesn’t change one bit. In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious. If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after the wedding. If he was hypercritical before he got married, he’ll even be more vile and prolific with his criticisms after the wedding. Here’s the truth: You need more than feelings of love to make a relationship work. You need mature character, total commitment and a minimum level of compatibility. Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear people say, “We’re compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We’re both born in July.” Wow. That’s so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2: WHEN IT’S TRUE LOVE, YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON.

I’m sure you’ve had this experience before. You are in a crowded room. You’re surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when, suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door. Your eyes meet. Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of nowhere, you hear gentle violin music from the background. One week later, he’s your boyfriend. A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend’s a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you’re his eighth in six months). Your mind says, “Dump him!” Your heart says, “But it was love at first sight!” Here are the consequences…

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the dark side of the relationship. Six out of seven days, you’re fighting with your boyfriend. But you can’t give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment. Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again… How can you not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the “real thing”. One intelligent woman told me, “Bo, there’s this guy who’s courting me. He’s okay. He’s kind, he’s responsible, he has a good job…” I could hear a ‘but’ coming ,” I said. “but there are no sparks!” she bit her lip. “No violin music playing in the background, huh! None. When I see him, the background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalulalei…” Listen. You don’t need a magical first moment to meet our potential husband. The important things are mature character, financial responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values. I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down the aisle, she whispered to me, “Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It’s loud and clear.” It doesn’t have to be love at first sight. In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends who’ve known each other for years before they realize that they’re good marriage material. What is love at first sight? Many times, it’s lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight. Don’t give it too much weight. Here’s the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3: IF IT IS TRUE LOVE, YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER.

No, you won’t. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over and whether you really loved one another in the first place. Imagine the night of your honeymoon. Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes, her beautiful nose, her parted red lips. And all of a sudden, she snores.”Ngggggggooork!!” How do you react? Because it’s your honeymoon, you say, “How cute!” Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze. And you hear her snore.”Ngggggoork!” What do you say? “Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!” What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this: That’s normal. It happens to everyone. But it doesn’t mean your love is gone so don’t panic! You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love. This is nutty. But many people do it: when we don’t feel in love, we think it’s the faultof the other person. And so we fight him. Again, we fall out of love because we’re human beings. It’s nobody’s fault. The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins . Let me explain. This is the most important point I’m going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less Traveled).

Falling in love isn’t love. Here’s why. When you fall in love…

• No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.
• No effort is required. Falling in love is like…. well, falling.
• No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots of hard work.In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen. Sure true love can only happen after you’ve fallen out of love. When you begin choosing to love, even if you don’t feel like doing it — that’s true love. And that’s the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY.

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely, you want the same satisfaction to last. No it won’t. Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn’t fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself. Here’s the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them. There are just some things your husband can’t give you: Your self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are things you have to work on your own. I’ve met lots of people who think they’re dissatisfied with their marriage. In reality, they’re dissatisfied with themselves. I’ve met lots of people who think they’re bored with their marriages. And they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is, when in truth, they’re really bored with life. Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5: IF IT’S TRUE LOVE, YOU WON’T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE.

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse. One man told me, “Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair is undone. She smells of vinegar. Gosh I am attracted to this girl atwork.”Being attracted to someone is normal, even if you have a happy marriage. But being attracted doesn’t mean falling into adultery. Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say, “Home, boy… home!” and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other woman, it grows . But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural death.

Separation Anxiety.

It's lunch break and I'm supposed to take a nap. I wasn't able to get enough sleep last night. Slept late, woke up three hours after and went to the airport at 5am for my sister's 10am flight to Qatar.

She might be in Thailand already as I write this. Apparently, her agency did not get her a direct flight to Qatar. At this time, when I'm supposed to be taking a nap, I think of her.


My sister and I are twins (born a year apart). Unlike other siblings, we enjoy looking alike, dressing alike, and playing who's who.  We did everything together and yes, we fight a lot. We are so different and yet alike in so many ways too. Most of the people close to us know that she acts more like the"ate" to me. We watch out for each other. We are the Camingawan sisters, Jaboom twins, Boyoyongs -- always an entity.



Today and the next 730 days, things will be different.


I am so happy that finally, she gets to fulfill her dream. We have prayed so long for this. I was with her last SFC ICON in Bohol when she claimed, "Ate, next year,   magiging SFC Middle East na rin ako." Great God indeed! Her prayers were answered. Thank you Lord.

A lot of things will be missed:

- Hugging her during sleep. (And recording her snore too!)
- Praying together
- Tambay moments.
- Heart to heart talks
- Laughing together.
- Eating out
- Salons and massage
- Traveling
- and yes, going to SFC International Conference with her (Siya kasi lagi nagiimpake for me pag byahe. Master organizer yun eh).

... kahit most of the time, sagot ni Ate Tets. hahahaha...

I didn't get to tell her that I'm thankful for all the days she spent with me during my hospital episodes. Pero alam naman nya na sobrang love ko siya.

It'll be difficult for sure to be without her. I know I'll adjust...mejo ma drama lang talaga ako. Plus, her role in the family is quite hard to fill -- caregiver, nurse, driver, errand girl, taga remind samin ng lahat ng gagawin. Ganun siya ka responsable! Sorry peeps! Emo eh.

To Bunso, you will be missed but 2 years isn't long. Spread your wings and it's your time to shine. This is your moment now, so seize it. Payaman ka tas ampunin mo na ko. Hahaha...And remember, use this opportunity well, and then give back everthing to God. I am praying for you. Sisters and bestfriends for life (through thin or thick, ng ating katawan bwahaha).

PS: Thanks friends for offering to be Candy's proxy sa mga tambay at gala.

Kiss Kiss!

On Death and Life

Nobody is ever prepared for death. While you know it's gonna happen to you or to your loved ones one day, there is no way to mentally or emotionally prepare for it.

When I heard the news about my lola's death, I was dumbfounded. I stopped myself from making a scene at the office by crying at  my desk. I have not cried a good cry even as I write this. Not that I needed to cry out loud, but I needed to cry one good cry to let it all out.

I witnessed the deterioration of her health. I guess I was even blessed that I was able to spend two nights looking after her at the hospital last December. It was during those nights that I got to know my lola more. From her episodes I learned that she worked at a cinema, loved John Lo so much, and is very vain--  kahit nasa hospital at naka oxygen. I also witnessed how assertive she is. Aba kahit mahina na at may nararamdaman, nanenermon parin si lola that time. I spent my 28th birthday with her at the hospital. Every night then that I was with her, I would pray that she still wakes up the next day.

My sister and I during my 28th birthday celebration spent with lola at the hospital. 

Like what I said in the Eulogy, my memories with lola are few but sweet.

- When I was around 4 or 5, I remembered that she reprimanded my mom in front of me, because my mother had me eat sili as a punishment. My mother heard me say a bad word, which I copied from the neighbor. And so when my lola saw how red and thick my lips were, my mother never heard the end of it.

- My lola cooks the best champorado. Every night, before dinner, I would watch her do her ritual before cooking rice. She has this bilao, and she will separate the small rocks from the grains. Eventually, she allowed to help me her with that.

- We used to sing for her during her birthday celebration. We have a girl group in the family composed of myself, my sister, and my 2 cousins. Perfect na namin ang Yesterday's Dream and Dadainin ko Na lang sa Kanta by the 14K, isama mo pa ang Kapag Tumibok ang Puso.

- Lola was a fan. She watched me in my concert, recitals, and even singing competitions. She was there when I was crying my heart out because I was soo embarrassed to lose from a major competition. She wasn't expressive but her presence was comforting.

- When we moved to Laguna, we would visit her from time to time. Wala pang five minutes, sasabihin na niya, sino kasama mo paguwi? Naku, umuwi na kayo at malayo pa bahay niyo. She does that to Mama too.

- When I started working, she would receive my birthday and Christmas gift for her with a shy smile, and simple, "ayyy thank you!"

I am not done mourning I guess. Pano pa kaya yung mga anak ni lola? I wonder how my mom is doing. She seemed okay but I'm sure like me, there's a lot of things going on her head.

I realized that amidst the sorrow that our family was facing then, I was still busy. I was not completely 100% there at the wake. My mind was too preoccupied struggling to think about my papa who was at the hospital at the time of the wake, the medicines I needed to take, the work I left at the office.

Sorry lola.

I learned a lot from this experience though. As cliche as it may sound, we have to really express our love to the people special to us. We do not have enough time really to let them know how much we love them. From my Tita Grace, the one who unconditionally took care of my lola, I learned the act of giving back to our mothers. Grabe and hirap ni tita sa pag aalaga kay lola. Family, should always come first. Always. At katulad ng speech ko sa Eulogy nya, sana, the tradition does not stop even after lola's gone. Somehow, I resolved to keep it going, kasama ang mga kakuntsamba kong Titas at mga pinsan.

***

Last Monday, my mom and I reported back to work. Lola was brought to her final resting place Saturday, January 25, 2013. The legacy of lola is in our hearts, and no matter how hard it is, we have to move on.

Life goes on.

Thank you lola for setting an example of love and dedication to me.

I know you are in the happiest place with Papa God.