On Miscarrying

I remembered exactly how we announced to friends and family that we were expecting baby no. 2. – on the day of our 2^nd anniversary, no less. I knew it weeks before that. Must be because I know my body too well. More than excitement, there was fear. Pol was more dumbfounded than I was. We just knew that baby no. 2 didn’t really come in the best of timing, with the 1^st baby born prematurely, my CS delivery and yes, the most concern coming from my health issues being diabetic and hypertensive.

We prepared ourselves from not just how our parents would react but more so, how our doctors would. It was strictly advised not to conceive yet in the next 5 years or at least until I completely manage my BP and sugar.

Anyway, as any expecting parents would, we embraced the blessing with all our heart. When the ultrasound confirmed our pregnancy, we were yet again happy, like it’s the first time. However, something about the ultrasound was daunting. The baby’s heartbeat was slow.

To cut the story short, I came back for another ultrasound two weeks after, and heard the words: THERE IS NO HEARTBEAT. My world stopped. Right in the doctor’s office, I tried to put up a face and held back the tears. I didn’t even know how to tell the news to my mother who was waiting excitedly outside the ultrasound room.

The grief of losing a baby—of all the possibilities -- is incomparable. Three days and one medical procedure after, I am not sure if I am emotionally stable.

I went straight to the church after finding out. On the way, I sent an SMS to my husband and best friend – we lost the baby, there is no heartbeat whilst trying not to break down inside the jeepney. I cried my heart out inside the church. I didn’t asked God why. I just cried. Deep in my gut, I blamed myself—for not being healthy enough, not being strong enough for my baby whom we called different names-- MC, JP3, Clarito…

A cousin messaged, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes.” How apt. I am thankful and humbled to be in a spiritual place where I’ve learned that everything happens according to His will. I know that the joy that He gave to our growing family may be short-lived but will never be forgotten. I know that another angel has been added to look over me. Knowing all those things though, wouldn’t stop me from feeling and longing—for the could have been and the might have been.

If for anything and despite the physical, emotional, and financial trauma this experience brought us – this has brought my family closer. It reminded me to treasure life, as it is fleeting. And so I need to be healthy for my first born Johanne. The world may have ended for baby MC, but it is just beginning for my eldest. We have witnessed a miracle in her birth story and she will turn a year in just 2 months. There is more reason to celebrate than mourn. And while a piece of me is gone with baby MC, God’s grace is new every morning.

For now, I take time to pray for myself and for those in the same shoes as I am – those who have lost a loved one, for fellow mothers who have miscarried, for mothers who gave birth to premature babies, or babies who are unwell. Even to those who wants to become parents but biologically unable. God is a God of miracle, the healer of our soul, and the ultimate comforter. Let us cast our fears, pains, and worries on Him who can do all things.

And yes, I will continue to grieve with the Lord, until He takes the sorrow away.

To friends and family who has celebrated with our joy in announcing the great news of baby no. 2 – please include a prayer for baby MC tonight. Heaven has earned another angel. And may God bless all of you a thousand folds.

Unfailing Love

Tonight's blog is from a friend whom we shall call MIMI. Since I was down with a bug for the last few days, I wasn't able to write anything, but I'm grateful for friends who are always to my rescue. Mimi's story is something Filipinos can relate to -- love for family and the desire to return all the love back while we can. But things doesn't always go as planned and there's always a reason behind it.

Happy Reading!

I grew up in a family where my father is very strict and my mother is vulnerable, but both of them are softhearted and strong person inside. Early in my age, life showed me how my parents struggled a lot to raise me and my three siblings to be responsible, better person, to have a simple and meaningful life which we treasure today.

When I graduated from college, finally my dreams for my family, especially for my parents started to materialize. I was excited to get my first job so that I can give them the life they deserve and to pay off the hard work they did for us in providing our needs. It’s easy to say 'to have a job', but it's hard to find one that is worth working for and will sustain your needs.

As I gradually reach my dreams, a sad moment pulled us down. My father was hospitalized due to his illness and did not manage to survive. What happened to him broke my heart into pieces. I remembered when I had my first period (menstruation), he was so excited to tell everyone that I am already a lady (blushing).

Despite losing and grieving of papa's death, we are happy for him because we know he will not suffer anymore and he's in God's loving arms already.

Through all these trials, we’ve proven that God is really great! He sent us people to reassure that He loves us and will not leave us. God provided us the money to pay all the expenses of my father's death. Thanks to the company where I was working at that time and the people who helped us. Praised God! 

At this very moment I feel we are so blessed, despite losing a very special person to us a few years ago. God has so many  ways and plans that I can never tell. Challenges and trials in life come and go, and we all know it will not end. But the faith we have in God and the assurance that He will never fail us and will continue to amaze us with His love, remain forever.

Want to contribute? Send me your article at mcscbermudez@gmail.com.

Happy weekend!

Escalator etiquette

Yes, there is such thing.

Encountered this first in Singapore (although you stand left and walk right there) and it's really not difficult to understand the discipline behind this. Putting order in things is always a great idea.

I had the chance to roam around Ayala again yesterday, after a long time. I enjoyed riding the MRT from GMA-Kamuning to Ayala at 4:30pm and although I thought it's gonna be rush hour, the ride was smooth. Unfortunately, there are no photos of this trip as I am not brave enough to do a selfie or capture a photo in public transportation. And so I took the escalator going up to the exit of Ayala terminal, and before riding it, a clear instruction says WALK on your left and STAND on your right.
Amazing how people disregard this as everyone is occupying the entire escalator in their own mini space.

DISCIPLINE.  It is the lack of it that hinders a person's growth, and in our case, the nation's. I guess it's not a voluntary defiance but the lack of respect to rules, regulations, laws and the like. Why do we feel so entitled to disregard the rules and get away with it? And yes, we only do it in the Philippines because I've been to a few countries with strict standards and Filipinos following it to the heart. Bakit pwede at kayang sumunod sa ibang bansa? Colonial mentality teh? Di ba dapat mas ginagawa natin ang nakakabuti para sa ating bansa?

The issue is beyond the escalator etiquette. Baka isipin niyo naman na OA ako.  If we cannot follow a simple rule to keep things in order, then how can we expect a bigger change in our society? Take a step to change one's self first and see where the escalator of progress will take you.

Kudos by the way for SM for coming up with this witty video:

Let's educate ourselves people, start small, achieve big results.

Psalm 32:8

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Of Mondays

Need I expound the pic more?

I guess at some point in our lives, Mondays will become our least favorite day.  Yes, even for me who works from home.

I went back  to the time after graduation that I will be reporting for my first corporate job. It was a Monday of course (in 2006), and I was so excited I can’t sleep the night before. Still, I woke up early, dressed my best, and reported for work with a grateful heart and I will conquer the world attitude.

This should be an every Monday thought. Because after all, not everybody is blessed to have a job that pays the bills, takes care of our food, and even allows us to enjoy our lives occasionally.

So instead of tackling this day with a heavy heart, why not embrace the challenge that Mondays bring and face it head on. 

Go ahead and sparkle not only on Mondays, but every day. 

Be better at this

So this blog I'm following by Ruth Soukop challenged me to overcome that one thing that's holding me back from pursuing the things I want. Well, I guess there's just too many of it? 

I'll zero in on writing/blogging for now, considering that I was really inspired by the feedback from my last guest post  on a friend's blog. 

I want to get better at writing. Back in college, I remembered one composition with all the red marks from the professor. He said all my ideas were great but the structure needs to be reviewed. And what's the best way to improve style and structure? Yes, practice. 

I'd be posting a short blog everyday (for 7 days) starting tomorrow. The goal is to get into the habit or writing, improve my writing style and yes, inspire in my own way (as if! :D) And if you are one of my friends who wants to start writing as well, I'd be more than happy to support. Be my guest blogger and let's grow together.