The biggest heartbreak.

I thought I was going to die of heartbreak when I was 21. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I actually thought I have unlimited source of tears back then. All for a guy I thought was my one true love. I was wrong of course.

Today feels exactly the same. I can't sleep, nothing taste well, I don't want to leave the house...I don't want to move. Only this time, at 28, I am having the biggest heartbreak ever. Nothing can ever top this feeling.

Losing Papa is devastating because he is not like any man. My sister and I are always proud to say that no man can ever fit the bill. He is the benchmark. Our hero, our joker, our friend. The best partner to mama, the best father for us despite his imperfections.

Our last out of town together, Tagaytay Feb 2013.

We have always been a happy family. My Papa is an OFW and even though we only see him once a year, we never felt fatherless. He spends money for calls, and regularly sends us mails. Mama thought us early on that Papa is making the greatest sacrifice of not being with us so that he can give us a good life. And a good life we had.

I knew that despite living a decent life -- with house, car, a little bit of money, I'm sure that Papa is also sad to have missed a big part of our growing up years. In the same way that I am also sad not having him around during birthdays, Christmas, and yes, my College graduation. And so when I was older, I resolved that I will make the most of his retirement years. And in 2007, he did retire, not out of his will, but because he is already too sick to work. Imagine me at 22, fetching my Papa being rolled out of the airport in a wheelchair.

The past week has been difficult for the three ladies that Papa left. Over the week, I have been thankful that I was with him in his last few days. Ganun pala noh? Kahit pa alam ko na na dun din ang kahihitnatnan ng mga pangyayari, hanggang sa dulo, umaasa ako sa milagro. 

Well, I cannot escape the inevitable truth... Papa is gone. And as one close friend told me, his birthday on earth is April 22, but his new birthday in heaven now is April 16. We are comforted by this truth.

***

May 16, 2013.

Today is the 30th day that he is gone. And when people ask me how I am, how my family is, I always tell them the truth, that we are not yet okay. I really don't know when I will be okay. And much as I know that life moves on, it takes every inch of energy and will power to command my entire being to MOVE ON... It is hard for me to repress my emotions but I need to. It is painful to see Mama cry every now and then, mourning still for her husband. It is devastating to see my Papa's stuff, still very much present in our house. And while others tell us to pretend that Papa just left again for abroad, we cannot do so. The realization that we will never be a complete family again is heartbreaking... that so many new memories will be made without my Papa again....When can we be completely be healed? Only God knows.

***

The day after Papa was buried, Mama was crying over breakfast. She not only missed Papa, but she was overwhelmed with the love our family received during the most difficult moment of our lives. She said, "Andami palang kaibigan ng mga anak ko... andaming nagmamahal sa atin. Ambait ni God." To which I replied, "Because you and Papa raised us well. Who we are now are reflections of our parents." Today, I still very much believed in what I told Mama. They are not perfect parents, nor are we perfect daughters, but they raised Candy and I to be God fearing and loving individuals reflected in the relationships that we built with family and friends. I never felt alone during those week. And I'd like to take this opportunity to thank our loved ones, relatives, and friends from all stages of our lives, you know who you are, and may God continue to bless all of you.

***

How apt, these lines from a song by Tamia reflect my state of heart. Tawa lang ng tawa..pero broken inside.

"So I put on my make up, put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me everything is ok
I'm laughing coz no one knows the joke's on me
That I'm dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face
Singing Lalalala..."

I choose me.

There will come a point in one's life for that major move. There will be a time to make a choice, to take that chance, and to welcome that change. All these don't really happen just once in our lives. For decisions are a way of life.


I just made one BIG CHOICE recently. I dared to make that BOLD MOVE. And in a matter of days my life will change. As to how big the change will be, I am excited to find out. I am also anxious but I know in my gut that everything will be alright. I know this because it is a leap of faith with God.

As always, choosing has its consequence. And one of it is getting hurt. I already forgot how it feels to be hurt by people I love. It's been a while. But then again, I cannot put the blame on them alone. Times like these, I need to to remember that every time I point a finger to others, there are four more pointed towards me. While I do not have the choice to avoid the pain in my current situation, I can always choose to do the right thing. I can always choose to do the most lovable thing. And while I take the time to understand everything, I can always choose what is good for everybody.

For now I am choosing myself and my dreams. I will let the universe conspire. People who love me will understand my choices. They will because ultimately, they will see that the choice I am making will also be good for me. I can't undo things. How I wish I can... but eventually, we learn and then move forward.

Yes, eventually, and in God's time, the pain will go away. For everything happens for a reason, and I am not alone in this fight. :)