Life won't wait.

At past 3am I have finished two romantic movies. Both on love and life.

I spend twelve hours at work, come home, spend some more hours working mails in between, and then watch a movie. Life,that is mine.

"Sometimes, life doesn't turn out the way you plan it," said Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping. For someone who just got married and now living away from the hubby to work abroad, life isn't near as the newlywed planned it.

And so in the middle of the report I was doing for my meeting later this morning, I re-think about life again. Most people would just say you can't have everything you want. I have come to realize though that I can't have all that I want, but I can choose the things that matter.

I kill my precious time worrying about the insignificant. The death of my dad has thought me that everything can change at a snap of a finger. It's terrible that I seem to have forgotten about it.  I go around like a headless chicken, not knowing where to go. Like a robot who does things -- the trivial kind.

In the middle of this desert I am reminded of the uncertainties, of life's impermanence.

Life won't wait for me. Time goes on. I must get my life back.

Secretly I pray for life to wait for me, even just for a little. February, wait for me. 

Burnout

WARNING:

This will be full of rants so if you don't need any negativity, stay away. And I wont even say please.

Today was exhausting. And I would normally avoid using the word "literally" due to its redundancy, but what the heck, it is fitting.

My body has not yet fully recovered and it's as if the world has forgotten that I have made my plea to be excused from this -- the earliest possible time. Isn't health a valid reason to go? Try drinking four medicines per day and tell me how that feels?

I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted this world to stop. I want to be alone. I want an escape. I want my body to cooperate. I want it to be okay.

So dear Universe, please cooperate. Because a few more months, and I will burst. For real.

What dreams are made of?

Someone asked me to take a piece of paper and write down my dreams and goals. He said I couldn't decide so hastily now, my future is at stake.

And so I did.

I was surprised at how easily I wrote the following without hesitations:

1. Become a good wife
2. Become a mother
3. Become a business woman/start freelancing, using the talents God gave me
4. Build a house for my family
5. To serve God as husband and wife

And I stopped there. Here I am, miles away from my husband, at the peak of my career, writing about things which cannot be done in Qatar.

Years ago, I told Mama that I'm not gonna get married. I'm just gonna bear a child (say wut?) and be a career woman. I thought then that success = office career and money. But ask me again today, and hear a different answer. Amazing how experience, age and wisdom changed me. Praise God.

The above are goals that challenges myself -- dreams that are beyond my comfort zone. But they bring a smile to my heart now...

To bond with my husband and not just to clients.
To be called a mother and not just a manager.
To have a place called my home, and not an accommodation.
To really call the shots -- to successes and failures of my business
To have a balance of both family and work.
And most importantly, to serve God with my brother-husband

I am scared to the core. I have always been so sure about myself, until the last few weeks. My life has changed since the day I said I do, and okay, the health scare. I am no longer the star of my show. I'm learning to be selfless. I fear the uncertainties, of the future that I am trading in place of what I have now. Of course I worry about money, career, the opportunities. But this is what love did to me. It allowed me to take risks, to trust, and to believe the many things the Lord has in stored for me, my husband, and soon our family. For the nth time, I shall be threading an unknown path, but like the previous experiences, I was never alone. Because God has my back, plus factor pa that I have the best Pakner.

Dreams are made of simple things that glorifies God. Here's to praying mine makes Him smile again.