Burnout

WARNING:

This will be full of rants so if you don't need any negativity, stay away. And I wont even say please.

Today was exhausting. And I would normally avoid using the word "literally" due to its redundancy, but what the heck, it is fitting.

My body has not yet fully recovered and it's as if the world has forgotten that I have made my plea to be excused from this -- the earliest possible time. Isn't health a valid reason to go? Try drinking four medicines per day and tell me how that feels?

I wanted to scream at the top of my voice. I wanted this world to stop. I want to be alone. I want an escape. I want my body to cooperate. I want it to be okay.

So dear Universe, please cooperate. Because a few more months, and I will burst. For real.

What dreams are made of?

Someone asked me to take a piece of paper and write down my dreams and goals. He said I couldn't decide so hastily now, my future is at stake.

And so I did.

I was surprised at how easily I wrote the following without hesitations:

1. Become a good wife
2. Become a mother
3. Become a business woman/start freelancing, using the talents God gave me
4. Build a house for my family
5. To serve God as husband and wife

And I stopped there. Here I am, miles away from my husband, at the peak of my career, writing about things which cannot be done in Qatar.

Years ago, I told Mama that I'm not gonna get married. I'm just gonna bear a child (say wut?) and be a career woman. I thought then that success = office career and money. But ask me again today, and hear a different answer. Amazing how experience, age and wisdom changed me. Praise God.

The above are goals that challenges myself -- dreams that are beyond my comfort zone. But they bring a smile to my heart now...

To bond with my husband and not just to clients.
To be called a mother and not just a manager.
To have a place called my home, and not an accommodation.
To really call the shots -- to successes and failures of my business
To have a balance of both family and work.
And most importantly, to serve God with my brother-husband

I am scared to the core. I have always been so sure about myself, until the last few weeks. My life has changed since the day I said I do, and okay, the health scare. I am no longer the star of my show. I'm learning to be selfless. I fear the uncertainties, of the future that I am trading in place of what I have now. Of course I worry about money, career, the opportunities. But this is what love did to me. It allowed me to take risks, to trust, and to believe the many things the Lord has in stored for me, my husband, and soon our family. For the nth time, I shall be threading an unknown path, but like the previous experiences, I was never alone. Because God has my back, plus factor pa that I have the best Pakner.

Dreams are made of simple things that glorifies God. Here's to praying mine makes Him smile again.

Musing of a Hypertensive Diabetic 30 years old

"What could be a more serious disease? It could be cancer. But even that can be cured nowadays," said someone.

How dare you. How dare you think my hypertension and diabetes as petty. How dare you tell me that it's only about will power. How dare you tell me not to tell my mom or my husband about my condition, because prayer won't help. How dare you.

Angry, I was more than angry.

Few weeks ago, less than a month of being married, I found out I have Hypertension II and Diabetes II. On top of that my cholesterol and triglyceride are also very high. And I found out about it when I arrived back in Doha early this month.

When you are 30 and recently married, alone in a foreign country, surprised with that news, the world becomes a little bit smaller. Well at least thats what I felt. I was angry, depressed and desperate. Could be in denial too.

Memories of Papa came rushing in...and I was scared. Happy snapshots of my wedding day, and the anticipation of possibly conceiving this month came to mind, only to be replaced by the question 'what happens next?'

What happens next? What to do? I do not have an answer yet. I do not even have the energy for anything now. And prayer, is something that I have to go back to. I'm sorry Papa God. Please give me time.

For now, take away my anger please.

Ps. I know really the answer to 'what's next?' I am jusy quite slow to getting back on track. Bear with me.