Bliss indeed

may I just borrow your song Nice? Just so I can describe how I feel at this very moment: 2:48am, december 27. "Its joy, its ecstacy" whats next? help me out please... "its fate, its destiny" "and maybe love is not enough to tell you how you make me...its bliss" did i get that right? oh well, who cares? Im in love and Im definitely in bliss! haha!

Talking out loud

I’m just bored, so I wrote some of my frustrations in the hope that I could gain something out of it. Bummer. I realized that I have so many regrets… even unfinished business. Let’s see..

I could’ve been a singer, but I lost the passion for it.

Could’ve been a guitarist but after learning the chords of “line to heaven,” I thought I was already good.

I could’ve developed my painting skills but after Sailor Moon and one lost drawing competition, I graduated.

I could’ve been a child actress, but after one unsuccessful audition, I thought I wasn’t pretty enough.

Could’ve graduated in grade school and high school with honors but I like playing more than studying.

Could be getting better grades in college but I’m living up to the “Los delincuentes” label too much.

Could still be wearing small sizes if I didn’t let my appetite get the better of me.

Could be a writer if I am not too lazy brushing up my skills (plus I'm too careless!).

And umm… I could go on with this you know. But it would lead me nowhere lest I do something about it. My self-prognosis:

(1) Ningas-cogon. I don’t finish what I start. The interest is there at this moment and later, it’s not. I even have an unfinished cross-stitch project that dates back when I was still in Grade 5. Other than my project, that’s my very first attempt on that craft, and I never did finish it. Lazy. Need I say more?

(2) Cowardice. I am afraid of failure and rejection. I get burned easily. I am very conscious of what other people think of me (even if I constantly deny it). And, I don’t insist on something that’s not meant for me.

(3) Mediocrity. I settle for the average. “Pwede na ‘to.” I just don’t put my best effort in anything at all.




My alter ego talking:

Trying so many things is a good sign Tets, but don’t be fickle all the time. It’ll bring you nowhere. By dabbling and learning various activities, you are on your way to versatility. Finishing what needs to be done (like whatever project perhaps?) is your responsibility to yourself. Don’t you want to feel accomplished? I thought so too.

Rejection and failure shouldn’t be a threat. In fact, it should all the more motivate you to strive harder, to be better, to succeed. One failure, one mistake, is not the end of the world. The challenge is to learn from those mistakes and use it as your guide to becoming a better you. Face your fears. What the heck? If you want to go for something, go right ahead, lest you want to be a loser that you’re definitely not?

Nothing’s wrong with being average. But being the best isn’t being ambitious as well. Strive for something realistic. You know you’re capacities, your potentials, your edge. Channel your efforts in developing it all. Put all your strengths, your mind, and most of all your heart, in whatever it is you have to accomplish. That way, you wouldn’t be contemplating on the many could have’s like this. Stop being so insecure. It hinders your personal growth. You are unique. You are special. You’re the only Tets. Get it? And now that you are aware of this, please do soething about it! ASAP!

Lesson learned:
It’s not like I want the whole world to know how insecure I am. I’m pretty sure I have had my share of triumph. But you know, sometimes, like in this idle&lazy night when I should be sleeping but isn’t time, I think about this stuff. I just hope I’d have the guts to follow my own advice. The things I wrote may be trivial regrets, but I wouldn’t let myself commit one BIG regret anyway. So, Tets, better read this stuff all over again, and don’ stop til you get it -à oops, alter ego talking again.

I’m outta here.

And curiosity killed the cat

I thought I was really over him. Darn. I never did learn my lesson didn’t I? I was getting through the moving on process perfectly, and then one minnie distraction and I was shattered.

“Nobody told you to probe Tets.”

Curiosity killed the cat. In my case, curiosity shattered my badly broken heart for the third time. Worst? It was because of the same bastard.:(

Just what I needed...

In my crazy hectic life these past few days, I got a
beautiful message that boosted my morale, up to the highest level, if I may
just add.

 

Mysterious indeed and I did not ask for this. He, yes, he,
.sent me a message through Friendster and simply told me that I’m pretty.. and
not only that, in the series of short message that we exchanged (of course, I
sent him a thank you reply, am I that ungrateful!), he told me that I am a “refined
and tactful interesting

lady.” All the more reason to smile…

 

And that’s what I needed. It’s an answered prayer from above
indeed, God’s way of reassuring me that despite my endless insecurities, I can
be beautiful. Well, at least somebody finds me beautiful with the exemption of
my mother, who until this day remains to be inconsistent with reinforcing that
fact.

 

***

Oh, I’m proud of myself today. I’m really exhausted, but
what the heck, I’m making good progress on my thesis. Chapter 2 is almost done
and I wrote Chap1 on scratch already..

 

Good job Tetsy, hope its good enough to make it to the
deadline. J

Befriending Friends

They say that in life one has to choose his/her friends well. Well, in my 20 years of existence, and say, 15 years out of that, I was lucky. Not only did I choose my friends well, but with God’s help of course, I was able to choose them wisely.

I have the greatest sets of friends. All of which reflect my personality, my ideal personality at some point, or a complete opposite of myself even. They make me smile every time I’m down or simply not in the mood. They are there to listen to my zany stories, as I would also listen to theirs. I share with them the high highs and low lows of my life. And I will always be grateful for that.

Realistically though, a smooth sailing trip with friends isn’t always possible. C’mon, there are many instances when I want to choke a friend or pull her hair out. Friends aren’t perfect. Admittedly, they would get on my nerves, as I would on theirs.

Pakikisama. That magic word for friendships. Even if I practically grew up with my friends, or spend every school day with them, or I see them at their worst behavior, I practice pakikisama. I have no problem with this, since I observe the golden rule, “Do unto others what you want other’s to do unto you.” But what if they say a very offending word, without realizing it? Makikisama ka pa ba? Obviously, not.

Wish I’m practicing what I’m preaching. Hanggang saan nga ba ang pakikisama ni Tets?

I am the “Taray Queen” of our batch. But with friends, I am never this persona. I can tolerate even the most obscure behavior. And I cannot understand this side of myself until now. Of course there are limits to this, only if I am really really really really fed up, to the point that I’m on the verge of exploding, would I react negatively. And don’t expect me to be courteous of course.

This I can say for myself. I am a good friend. And one characteristic I’ve acquired while growing up is being observant. Lastly, I have a really good memory. I take each criticism from friends, even hurtful words, or say, unacknowledged misdoings silently. Friends do not easily offend me because I love them. I have the longest patience for each of them. But I always remember each and every single act—good and BAD. If they may take this against me, then go ahead. If this may serve as a warning, then heed my call.

Nakisama ako, nakikisama at makikisama ng walang hinihiling na kapalit. But please don’t abuse your license of friendship with me. Let’s spare each other from future pains of the heart. Please?

Hopeless Romantic

As I listened to MYMP’s version of “Kailan” originally done by former Smokey Mountain, I typed in my favorite poem whose author remained unknown to me until this very moment.

I was just a lucky girl browsing through someone else’s Friendster homepage when lo and behold I bumped into this poetry. Beautiful, hopeful and positive. Warning: Not for the faint hearted. hehe..

Where are you?

The daily search of my life

The only one who I will give my heart to

The one I have been looking for, and always will until that day comes

The day when I find you

You are…unexplainable, unpredictable, unimaginable

How I await to know you

Know your name, know who you are

For I pray the day come soon

The day I discover you

The day when all the search is over

And I know you are the “one”

How I long for this day

Wanting it, to keep me from the tears at night

Save me the pain inside, of loving anyone but you

Keep me from the desires of the world

In my prayers will you remain

Praying for you, whoever you may be

And will continue to until the day you are found

Asking the God of my soul to watch over you all the days of your life

Never giving up, I have faith, I will find you

God will send you to me, so the search will go on, until you my love, is finally discovered.


PS: No more comments from me…moving on c”,)

Haughty UP?!

“I think, therefore I am from UP.”

Those were the brave words written on my newly bought shirt. It’ll be a good memorabilia from the school I am about to leave in a year or so. Somehow, I summoned the courage to buy, and gathering still, more courage to wear it loud and proud.

Actually, this shirt is the most modest UP shirts on sale that day. Have I wanted more attention, I could have bought the more spirited designed shirts like:

“UP ako, ikaw?”
“OO, taga UP ako. Ikaw?”

If you have visited the parking lot of the Office of the University Registrar already, you should know what I’m talking about. If not, well…you can only imagine what’s written on those shirts.

On the day I first stepped foot on UP grounds, I already felt the scholarly spirit. From the freshmen orientation, they taught me to be proud of myself, because I am in the only school in the Philippines, and that is no less than the “Unibersidad ng Pilipinas.” As I would later find out, there are only two schools in the Philippines, UP and others. And in my three years, I have endlessly heard my professors tell the whole class that we are among the best students in the country.

“Did you get it class? You should get it co’z you’re in UP for God’s sake! Otherwise you should transfer to another school, somewhere in Vitocruz!”

I’m sure you’ve heard some campus jokes already, and yes, they have been retold so many times by different professors-- especially about the school somewhere along Vitocruz. Heard it so many times, and in certain instances, I remembered laughing along too.

“You should be proud because you are the few students who passed UPCAT.”

***

THUG!!!

I came from Vitocruz. Three years ago, I was just a “kolehiyala,” clad in my uniform, wearing make-up, and walking along Vitocruz. Not anymore.

"Iska" ako ngayon dahil pinili kong maging “iska”.

Isa nga akong “iskolar ng bayan” ngayon, dahil ipinasa ko ang pagsusulit ng prestihiyosong unibersidad ng bansa.

I am a transferee who got in UP by answering an essay question. Easy? You wish!

***

Does being a transferee makes me less smart than the rest of the UP population?

Or does transferring to UP make me smarter than the classmates I left behind?

Why did I transfer then? Two things: Economical and academical reasons. Not an issue of whose smarter or any of the likes.

I transferred because like any other middle class family in this country, I could no longer afford the 4OK something tuition of my “kolehiyala” education.

I transferred because I am fulfilling my father’s dream of sending his children to UP.

I transferred because according to my relatives, UP is UP.

And they are right. I am indeed enjoying my university life. I am enjoying a certain freedom I never experienced in my former school. And like the rest of UP students, I am enduring the pressure that comes with being a UP student—great expectations from bright minds.

But then again, I wonder, does making fun of other schools and labeling the students in it make UP students smarter than the rest?

Of course not.

So why are the brightest minds of the country enjoy this triviality?


***

During an interview with my boss for my internship, he asked me, “Do you think UP is overrated?” Not contended with that question, he also asked this, “Do you believe that there are also dumb students in UP?”

My answer is a simple no. No, I do not think that UP is overrated because UP graduates are indeed brilliant people. UP students meet your expectations and in some cases, exceed it.

Secondly, I do not believe that there are dumb students in UP, or in any other school for that matter. There are no dumb students, only lazy ones. Being in UP does not exempt one from occasional procrastinations. I should know, I have had my share of this and have witnessed my classmates and friends went through this as well.

***

Like any other school, UP has its shortcomings as well, say a faulty enrollment system, or limited resources, or lazy ass know-it-all professors even. And this is exactly what life is; each has its own assets and liabilities.

I am proud to be an “iska,” like I am proud to be a “kulasa” then.

There are many undiscovered minds in the country that may not be in UP, but they are not less of who and what they are.

I have no problems with wearing my school name loud and proud as they say.

But I quote one of the most admired professors of my department on the t-shirt issue, “Why make such a BIG deal out of it?”

This is not a college sports fest nor is it a fancy tournament on who is better than who.

But I see a problem common to all schools, TOO MUCH school spirit.

You see, I think that the bright minds work in silence. Really.

Coincidence? Maybe not.

Every time a guy comes into my life, my ex would suddenly pop up from
nothingness. Weird? I thought so too. I mean, we are definitely
friends, but we don’t have the luxury of time to really check on each
other’s lives, except for the occasional hellos.

When
a “prospect” expresses a sudden interest on me, my ex would text me
(out of I dunno what?!) and tells me he misses me. Or say, I’m talking
to this guy I’m crushing on, and my ex would suddenly miss call me,
endlessly. Oh, I could go on with more incidence of those kinds but
that’s what I’d want to share with you for now.*sulk*

Well,
nothing’s really wrong with that since we’re best friends then even
before we got together. But could it be, and I’m really cautious about
this, a sign that I’m not suppose to go out with anyone co’z maybe,
just maybe, it’s really “us”? Or could it be pure coincidence
distracting me from my future? Well, the fact that I’m dwelling on this
too much means I’m  paranoid. So don’t mind me. I guess it’s a
case of boredom-Im-all-alone-and-its-so-hot thing that is incurable
especially these past few days. OMG! I need help.

Curly Tops

I have decided to wear my hair curly for this week. I don’t know, but I think that once in a while, we need to do something different, and that something might as well makes us feel good about ourselves.

It definitely did magic to me…

***
Back to the future.

At least three people for the past month alone asked about my future, like the career I would pursue or how I see myself in 5 to 10 years.

Well, if you’ve been asked the same question and your answer is a blank stare or a mumble of incomprehensible sentences, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Like me.

Well, if it weren’t for my mom’s incessant lecture this morning about how I should prepare my future as early as today, and this enlightening conversation with a friend, I couldn’t care less. I have plans. I want to get that coveted UP diploma, find work, and be a woman at the top of my career. Kinda vague. I know.

You know how things come to you when you’ve got nothing to do and is left in the four corners of your room, lying on your bed, staring at nothing—well, that happened to me. It hit me. I am totally clueless. C’mon, having a diploma isn’t everything. It’s hard enough to find a decent job for millions of graduating students of my batch, but it’s even harder to really plan how I would wrestle my way out of this complex life so I could live it the way I want to.

I wish it hit me harder though. Co’z I’m still here inside my room, reading this book that has been with me for 5 months now, while wondering, yes wondering of what lies ahead of me.

Bummer. I’m still inactive.

The bigger question of course is whether we should plan our future for us or live each day, as fate would’ve wanted it to be.

At the very least, I know my answer, a sincere one at that.

Do you?

The story of my life, my love life that is...

Dear Heart,

I met someone today, prepare to be shattered.

Borrowed that quote from Christabel, a very good friend, who used it for her messenger status. Thought it fit me to a certain extent.

I did not meet anyone today, nor did I have a “romantic escapade” tonight like what Friendster horoscope predicted. But I did shatter my heart a couple of weeks ago. I met the bastard years back.

***
Guys are magicians. Their favorite act: disappearing. Their favorite audience: me.

***
Like an old movie on never ending rewind and replay, I’ve been through this before. You came, I was happy. You left, I waited, and then I tried to forget. Just when I am finally ready to move on, you came back and I was happy. Then again, you left, only this time, for good.

Oh, the story of my love life…